standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Fuck you, PTSD

on October 4, 2016

Of all the things I hate about PTSD, it’s the “Hey, you think you’re doing okay?  How about this new trigger??  Let me pull the rug out from under your feet!!!  HA!” aspect I hate the most.  Sure, I *should* radically accept that it’s part of living this life.  Yet, I still hate it.  Because, it sucks.  And, I’m especially fucking pissed at ptsd now (I’m tired of capitalizing it…lowercase gives it less power) because, just as I was thinking “We need to start coping ahead because November is approaching and ptsd takes an uptick”, mid-September was here…and in popped an unknown trigger.   In came the hypervigilance and spidey sense…the skin crawling…the shaking hands…and a new symptom–oral aversion that has me gagging through each bite…which does not make meeting meal plan any fucking easier.  My “FUCK YOU” comes with being spot on for meal plan…for 2 months today…never, in 4 years of eating disorder treatment, have I pieced together 60 consecutive days.  And, although I bow down to all who have gotten to or are at that point, giving myself praise (?) for it isn’t happening.  Seriously…I’m ready to be done with it.  Yet, I know it’s my strongest weapon.  It’s what allows me to fight ptsd and to chose skills instead of harm.  I carry my comfort kit with me now when I leave the house…with my tangle, magic sand, lemon essential oil…I try to be skillful…and, I supposed I am…after 3 solid nights of ptsd nightmares, though, I’m coming undone.  It’s the spideyness…and it’s the fear of what’s to come.  Fuck you, ptsd.  This sucks.  And, I’m going to keep fighting because  I’ve come too far to go back.

Keep fighting, my friends…you are not alone <3…We can do this together.

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