standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Bite By Bite

on August 5, 2016

Looking at meal plan for a full day is overwhelming and exhausting.  I try to work plan meal-by-meal, snack-by-snack…lately, it’s come down to bite by bite by bite.  I pull back on the skills that have carried me through the lows of recovery before.  The ones where my team has said refeeding or restoring is the next.right.step.  And, as much as I don’t like what they are saying or the thought that “restore” means “gain weight” sends me into the abyss of totally over-the-top anxiety, I also don’t want to be in a higher level of care.  Really, really don’t.  I am better with the part of “Hey, if I need it, I guess I’ll do it” than I am with “That girl you cannot stand will do the LOC meeting and, if it’s IOP, you’ll have to see her 3 times a week for 8 weeks…no fucking way.”  So, bite by bite by bite becomes a necessity to stay in outpatient care.  And, it (apparently) also means I am measuring food to be sure it is enough–my guesstimates of peanut butter or cheese…or, honestly, anything that needs a measurement–is not hitting meal plan.  So, I record my intake and measure my food and decide to choose recovery…for this moment…and maybe stringing together a few moments…because I want to kick Ed to the curb and get him to stop this bullshit.

 

 

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