standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

“‘Cause I Still Got A Lot of Fight Left in Me…”

on July 29, 2016

Music is my go-to and discovering Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song” is giving me that “one match can make a big explosion”…

I’ve been unable to get myself back at a consistent spot on or close for meal plan…I’m closer…yet, combined with movement, I’m below a weight point that my team is okay with.  Not because I’m not trying hard enough…even though that was my thought and fear as I sat through yesterday’s nutritionist appointment…on repeat “You’re doing the best you can do and it’s not good enough…you are not good enough…you cannot do this right…you cannot do anything right…you should just stop now…it’s not worth it…you’re not worth it…”…I left feeling defeated, even as the healthy part of me knows that S was holding strong because she’s going up against the eating disorder, not because she’s trying to hurt me…she’s trying to give me the tools and supports (and a bag of Boost) to keep fighting.  The panic crept in while I slept and I was inching toward a full panic attack as I got up and moving…the teariness, the racing heart, the shaking hands…all the self doubt and negative self talk.  I reached out…to J and to my best friend…and both of them worked through breaking this into the smallest pieces and reminding me that I don’t have to fight alone.

Plus…

“I still got a lot of fight left in me.”

 

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