standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

You Are Not Alone…

on June 9, 2016

This message has come across, in ways I cannot ignore, the last few days.  Because as I’ve isolated and become more and more overwhelmed, that old “comfy coat” finds a foothold…and as he gathers more footings, I lose my bearings and become untethered.  The details of this last coming undone aren’t the most important part…not this time…The love, support and encouragement I’ve been receiving has had me remembering I am not alone.  I have a dedicated team helping me when I struggle to even formulate “next right step”.  It’s at that juncture that I melted down at my treatment center…after seeing a weight that the eating disorder convinced me was atrocious, that I needed to be more focused on dropping that number which represents gravity placed upon me and not my worth, my value, my love of sunshine and laughter and the ocean and fresh air and photography.  In those moments, however, the tears fell and fell over this number and I was sinking further into a place of isolation.

A staff member asked if she could find a psychologist to talk with me (mine is out this week)–would I be willing to wait while she found one?  I waited…knowing that leaving in that moment would lead to nothing good, nothing to choose recovery, nothing to choose a life worth living.  In looking back, I realize that not frantically fleeing, did mean I was choosing recovery.  And, as the psychologist talked with me, the tears began to slow…no longer big tears…my eyes still brimming and tears falling as we developed a plan for “next right steps”.  The tears had nearly stopped as we finished our time together and I gather my things and said a huge thank you.  A thank you to this Clinical Psychologist who stopped what she was doing to talk with me, a client she’d never met before.  She reminded me that everyone at the treatment center is in this together.  I didn’t feel quite so isolated…

As I began to walk out, I fell in step with Dr. H, the mastermind and creator of this wonderful treatment center.  The place, filled with incredible, amazing people, that saved my life.  And, continues to save my life.  As I shared that I hated the scale, she began to talk with me…calmly and with an innate knowledge and understanding of what the eating disorder was telling me.  Our conversation shifted as we began to say our good byes and she asked if she could give me a hug.  I am a huge hugger and it was exactly what I needed at that exact moment…and, we held each other tight.  She told me she could feel my strength, us with the sunshine warm upon our shoulders.  I thanked her for building this “place”, which is so much more than a place.  I shared where I was when entering treatment 4 years ago and how I could not have done this without her vision becoming a reality.  From staff to clients, my support group is here…I cannot do this without all of them…and, I hope that I play a role in their healing and recovery, too.  As we said our good byes, Dr. H told me that we were destined to cross paths and I told her I was thinking the same thing.  She then told me that she will keep fighting and doing all she can to keep the treatment center going–as long as I will keep fighting, too.  And, I will.

In getting text support last night and today, along with an unprompted reminder of not needing to do this alone and using group members for support, more tears fell…there’s so much to be grateful for and I am.  I can stumble and maybe fall…and I can get back up.

 

Keep Fighting, My Friends…You are so incredibly worth it!!!

 

 

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2 responses to “You Are Not Alone…

  1. Lovely post. Would love to stay in touch for tips and advice. Please checkout my blog: https://wordpress.com/stats/day/thesuitcasekiddealingwithabrokenhome.wordpress.com

  2. timelesswheel says:

    Great post! Thank you ☺

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