standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

“I’ve Done This Before…

on April 13, 2016

…I can do it more…” (Jack’s Mannequin “Cell Phone”)

 

I’m listening to these lyrics on a sunny April 13th…spring is in the air…the flowers are blooming…I’m trying to be mindful of the here and now…

Yet, “April 13th” can never just be another day in spring…where the flowers are blooming and the sun is shining.  It will forever carry fear, hypervigilance, nightmares, panic attacks, racing heart, tears, shaking, tremors, etc. etc. etc…I try to remind myself (and my psychologist does, too) that I’ve made it through before–and can again.  Pretending it doesn’t exist isn’t helpful…nor is berating myself when the tears fall or when I jump at a noise that “shouldn’t” be scary.

This day sucks.  I hate it.  I hate that I can remember so many details of this hellish day.  Although I radically accept that the rape happened and have been in treatment since 3 1/2 months after it, I don’t have to like this.  I can, however, work on whatever it takes to make the suffering less.  I don’t know how I’ve gotten through the last 3 anniversaries.  I don’t know what skills I used or if I called a friend or if I harmed or if I restricted…I merely know how much it hurts…It will get better, for sure…and, today it sucks.  Later I can appreciate how much I’ve healed in the last 4 years…that I am healthier now than the months (and years) that followed that April 13th…Today however, I will honor myself and take care of myself the best way I can…I will treat myself with the kindness and compassion that I’d give to a friend.

My psychologist and I met yesterday (and again later in the week) to make a plan to “cope ahead”…if I wasn’t overwhelmed before, trying to plan brought even more of it to the surface…but, I see the value…and, when I honestly am at a loss for “What’s the next right step?”, the list is proving helping…because, I’ve already been in a panic a few times and felt defeated…To have 2 people with the list (my psych and my best friend) allows them to help, support, remind and encourage me.  I’m sharing the list here as I think it may be helpful to others.

Step by step, moment by moment…we can do it.

“I’ve done this before…I can do it more”

Wake

Meds

Before school prep with kids…hugs!  Focus and be mindful

Boost (supplement)

PRN meds

Nap

Lunch (Boost, if not food)

Meet with Pastor

Rest…Listen to music

Meds

Kids home…Get outside, be mindful

Kids to “Dad Night” (we have a mom house and a dad house)

Color in profanity coloring book (I think the “Wanker” page is where I will begin)

Dinner (Boost, if not food)

Walk outside with M (friend) or just sit and talk…or color…

Bath (?)…don’t if feeling vulnerable or unsafe

Meds

Bed (sleeping in sleeping bag for cocoon comfort)

((Apparently “Blogging” is on the list–it’s fallen between Boost and PRN meds))

 

 

 

 

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