standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Hibernation

on April 11, 2016

I’m hibernating…fighting like hell when I am out in public and, especially, when I am with my children.  I’m moving through water in slow motion and it seems to take superhuman strength to move my body, let alone think through a whole thought process.  For maybe the first time in this “ptsd season”(lowercase on purpose…no capitals for ptsd in this post) that dominates this time of year, I am allowing myself time to stay in bed (feeling lazy, but being reminded by those who love me that it’s self care–not selfish to do so), time to not schedule things and time to back out of plans, if following through with plans has me panicked.  I’m being honest…with myself and those I trust…and, most surprisingly, I have some compassion for myself (it’s not surprising that my friends have compassion for me <3).

I started into DBT last week and the skills support, plus group member support, plus text line support, plus homework (I need to get the homework done for group tonight!!) are giving me reminders in the ways I need.  The biggest goal of DBT is to decrease suffering…and, to be getting through this time without harm (I’ve been reaching out before harming…keeping that “instinctive” feel to harm at bay, long enough to allow me to think and respond with safer skills) and with being close on meal plan (there have been a whole lot of expletives that I set the goal of following mp at 100% this past week…yet, I am fighting to meet the goal!), astounds me.

The struggle is there…the flashbacks and hypervigilance…the shaking hands and tremoring face…yet, as much as I hate this time, I’m making it through…step by step by step…no matter how tiny those steps may seem or when I stumble and fall…

 

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