standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Lenses

on March 2, 2016

I’m in the worst part of PTSD…the months that lead up to the anniversary of the rape.  The last few weeks have been tremendously difficult and I am still 6 weeks out from the actual date.  PTSD, anxiety, depression and an eating disorder all change the lenses I am seeing everything through.

It’s thinking I’ve angered or upset people…it’s realizing that Ed offers me  a (dangerous) way out…it’s feeling isolated and alone…it’s feeling too needy, too vulnerable, hypervigilant, fearful…it’s the tears that are always right there…it’s the fight to get out of bed-let alone brush my teeth, shower or leave the house…it’s days and nights that run together because flashbacks and nightmares dominate each of them…it’s feeling that I am being hit with wave after wave and not ever gathering my footing.

I wish I could take off these lenses that have me experiencing the world differently right now.  There is hope…tattoo’d on my wrist in my best friend’s script…to remind me, over and over, that it will get better.  And, right now, that’s what is keeping me treading water and my head above the waves, just long enough to take a breath.IMG_0966

 

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5 responses to “Lenses

  1. Hang on in there. Find people to be around who can accept any tears/panic attacks or screams if that is what you need to do. {{Hugs}} Metaphorical ones if real ones are to scary for you right now!

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