standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

“But I See These Doors Have Keys…”

on February 15, 2016

I’ve shared that my mind and soul are mostly written and felt in lyrics…music is the way I think, speak, interpret much of everything.  The blog title is a line from Andrew McMahon’s “Caves” off of Jack’s Mannequin’s “The Glass Passenger”.  The album was written in the years following Andrew’s healing following a stem-cell transplant to help him beat the leukemia that had ravaged his body, mind and spirit.

It’s this line that has been sticking with me the last few days…as he talks of the walls caving in, the compazine and morphine, the locked doors, the pain and suffering…the final verses give us that moment–“But I see these doors have keys”…

It’s right there and the hope I am gleaning from the ability to unlock a door…to experience life and living in ways that haven’t been there…to barricade the doors to place I don’t care to revisit…and to open the door…It’s hope…it’s hope I see…I don’t know what the other side of the door will hold…and, I think I’m ready to accept that…the unknown has been terrifying for me…yet, for all of those first steps, from tip-toeing to leaps, there has been life and living…joy, happiness, love…uncomfortable pieces, too…and, I wouldn’t lock that door if it meant also losing all of the good.

I’m a few days into the most difficult part of my PTSD…a time when moments upon moments attack my mind, body and spirit…where my days are mixed with nights and my subconscious recognizes the tiniest connections…I know it does so in a way to keep me safe…because, the scent of cologne can still seem dangerous, the sudden sound from behind me has me jumping out of my skin, nightmares have me startling awake in full panic mode.   I’ve been here before…and, I’ll be here again.  This time, I’m working to remember that I am not stuck or trapped…my rapist locked many doors…but, these doors have keys…and I’ll keep opening them.

 

 

 

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