standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

It Comes Down to This

on January 22, 2016

What does it come down to?  Choosing recovery and all it entails, choosing life with all its ups and downs, choosing to put one foot in front of the other–or, hands and knees when we’ve fallen and need to crawl.  I’ve been in recovery for 3 1/2 years.  Entering treatment for an eating disorder that I’d battled for 25 years and had no idea what life was like without that “comfy coat” (it was so comfy…recovery showed me just how scratchy and dangerous that coat is).  Recovery began to entail more because the eating disorder allowed me to mask much of my mind and body.  Recovery began to include past abuse, assault, pain, anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety…and with those pieces, bringing me to my knees or into a heap, also comes joy and happiness and love and laughter and smiles and authenticity and genuineness…it’s all there.  It’s me.

A me I didn’t know existed.  Not the perfectionistic, Type-A me.  That me was successful, truly.  I loved being a mom, a wife, my chosen career.  I thought I was living.  And, truly…I was…to the best of my ability.

The rape, which sent me spiraling headfirst into relapse and subsequent choosing of treatment, upset all I knew…the flashbacks, the nightmares, the repressed memories surfacing from the childhood abuses…haunted my days and nights.  My life became a series of choices that would paralyze me.  My psychologist mentioned recently a time a few months after I’d entered treatment.  I needed a new coffee maker.  It took me 4 months to make a decision.  And that was only after having J narrow it down to 2 that I eventually could choose.  My days consisted of learning self-care (then learning I could do so guilt free), working meal plan, following treatment, taking meds as prescribed…step by step by step.

 

In thinking lately about the hows and whys of recovery, I’ve come to this conclusion…Choosing recovery and healing hinges on this piece…seeming simple, yet so complex…Am I worth it?  After decades of being told and shown that I didn’t matter, that I wasn’t worth it, that I was a bother to be silenced, it’s been the hardest part for me…and when I lose that piece, I begin to stray farther from the life I want to live freely…the life that allows me to be authentic and genuine–to be me…all of me…with the laughter and tears, happiness and sadness, joy and pain…all of it…every last bit.  So, being told and beginning to believe that I am worthy, has me feeling all sorts of feels and remembering why I’m choosing this healing path…I am worth it. ❤

Keep fighting…You are worth it, too!

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4 responses to “It Comes Down to This

  1. timelesswheel says:

    Thank you for this post!
    One step at a time 🙂

  2. shutupedblog says:

    I love your blog ❤️

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