standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

There’s a Monster Under My Bed

on January 9, 2016

There’s a monster under my bed.  I need to keep my feet away from the bottom of my bed.  If I lie on my back, the monster will use his knife claws to cut at me.

So, I lay on my side.  But, not so my side faces the empty room.  My back must face the wall.  If my back is to the open room, there is a ghost that appears.  Sometimes it’s the ghost of a little girl and other times it’s hard to tell.

What I know is fear.  Even keeping as little of me on the mattress so that the monster with knives doesn’t cut me and keeping my back to the wall so the ghost doesn’t surprise me…even that is not enough.  What doesn’t terrify me while awake, haunts my dreams.  Nightmares that will stay with me as truths until I’m in my mid 30’s and discover the real truth.

This I know is true…the brain needs to make sense and find predictability.  A 3-year old creates a truth to make sense of what is going on.  The pain, the fear–those are real.  The monster and ghost are one in the same.  A father who appears under the cloak of darkness with his mind set on sexually abusing the child in that bed.  She cannot lie in a perfect position to save her from the monster-ghost who comes in the night.  There’s nothing she can do to stop it.  For 7 years, this sick fuck decided to torment and terrorize a child.

There was a monster under the bed–and in it, too.  I couldn’t escape.  not from a full-grown man who was intent on doing everything he could to keep his secret as long as he could…no matter what cost to that little girl.

 

For many, many years I have felt I am worthless, unlovable, a bother…I’m realizing that those are part of the lies abusers tell to further their ability to abuse.  So, I am making a point to stop telling myself those things.  They are not my inner voice–they are the voices of abusers and i no longer have to listen or believe them.

Keep healing, my friends…we can do this!!

 

 

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