standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

And, So It Begins…Again…

on December 30, 2015

I’m taking root.  I’m settling in.  I’m heading back to basics.  Maybe it’s fitting that a new year is a couple days away and I am starting again…or, more likely, it’s because Thanksgiving through mid-January have proven, time and time again, to deplete any reserves I’ve gathered up until that point.  This year, it was a few hospital trips in November that had me starting my “Thanksgiving to Mid-January Downward Spiral”.

 

I could feel it happening…I knew I was spiraling…I am spiraling…although, maybe now that there’s a plan that gives me renewed hope, I am righting myself.  Rock bottom is always an interesting place to be.  And, although it looks different each time, the end “goal” is the same…Me, alone, weary and without hope.

 

My self-talk turns to that of my previous abusers, although they convince me that, not only is it my own thinking, it’s also true.  That I’m a bother, a fuck up, undeserving of recovery and what it brings, a bitch…the list of negativity goes on.  A combination of self-harm and eating disorder behaviors become my sole coping skills as I float farther and father from the shore of healthy skill use.  What has saved me this time is my ability to recognize my self destruction and use a word I was raised never to ask–“Help”.  So simple and yet with saying it, recovery is mine again.

 

With that, I’ll be starting a DBT skills group where I am in outpatient treatment…one night a week for the next 6 months.  A Godsend, a gift…I am so grateful for this support system and skills work.  It gets me back to basics in a place I am safe.  I much prefer to start this year this way instead of where my mind has been the last part of this year and what my body bears the scars of.  Healing and recovery are possible…for me, it’s not just a “me” piece…I need the team who knows how to best respond when I ask for help.

 

Please don’t feel ashamed or undeserving or (insert feeling here that can keep you from healing) to ask for help.  It’s there and recovery is for you, too.

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2 responses to “And, So It Begins…Again…

  1. Violet says:

    Just started a DBT course this past Wednesday. Been using the skills off and on since 2010 but it’s so nice to be in an actual, weekly 6 month course.

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