standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Is Healing Possible?

on August 25, 2015

Yes…Yes, it is…

Is it easy?  Absolutely not.

Is it always this hard?  No…not always like this.

Can it get better? Yes, yes it can.

Welcome to the conversation in my head this morning as I remind myself that I need to be choosing recovery, health and healing.  That being apathetic is a lousy place to be…and, that maybe I am not as apathetic as I feel since feeling apathy must mean I am not 100% apathetic.  And, as I type that, I can see the way my mind is working in circles, overthinking my overthinking…thinking “this” is all or nothing…forgetting there is a “middle drawer” in which I can reside..where it’s okay to just be okay.

I read about the ‘middle drawer’ in a book that led me, three year ago, to start recognizing that what I was doing to my mind and body just might be disordered (I was not to the point of calling “it” an eating disorder).  The author (how I wish I remembered the book title and author!) discusses a 5 drawer dresser.  The top drawer is for the “BEST. DAY. EVER!!!” moments and days…and the bottom drawer is for “Alexander and the Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” moments and days…I lived (and revert back) in the top and bottom drawers…high highs and low lows.  Everything was great or the world was ending (all while being quite positive and optimistic–although, I’ve wondered if that was just part of me being the “Greatest Pretender” for much of my life).  The author points out that there is this whole middle drawer…where there is some good and some not-so-good…where it’s okay to be okay.  And, there’s a drawer in between the middle drawer and top drawer…and one in between the middle and bottom drawers.

When I am struggling, reminding myself to shift my all or nothing thinking to “middle drawer’ing” it, is sometimes what it takes to get me to the next right choice.  Sometimes those choices are big, but much of the time they are quite small.  This morning it is oatmeal that is the middle drawer.  I don’t have to solve the world’s problems or throw in the towel for recovery.  I can choose to eat oatmeal.

Healing is possible…and sometimes it comes in the form of oatmeal.  Here’s to living in the middle drawer.

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