standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Where Do I Go From Here?

on August 23, 2015

PTSD shows me, with every flashback and nightmare, that, just when I think I can do “this”, the carpet is pulled out from under my feet.  I end up not standing on my own two feet but lying in bed, curled into a ball or kneeling and praying “please” or “help”…or a combination of them.  The tears cannot be stopped and knowing a time and place are nearly impossible.  My skills are there, but missing in those times I am gasping and trying to save myself…first from whatever is attacking me and (maybe at the same time) from myself.

PTSD pushes me to the place where hurting myself becomes a viable option.  A place I can turn away from in day-to-day living and that becomes the only option in the PTSD world.  Fighting it means I become some sort of ninja…fighting things that are not really here…except they apparently still live in my mind.

It’s not as bad as it was…it’s really not.  It’s not 100% of my days and nights.  Still, when that first flash occurs I am thrown back into PTSD world…fighting for survival and aiming not to injure myself in the process.  Because truly…hasn’t there been enough hurt?  The part that scares me the most is the unknown…will I be fighting all night or will I get some restful sleep?  Is this flashback the start of flashbacks for some moments? a day? a week?  a month? Can I remember my skills well enough to use them?  Can I leave the house? Can, can, can??? What about???

It’s the unknown…because I know how bad it can be and I am terrified it will be like that again…so, when the flashback first strikes, there is the fact that I need to work through it…then however, it’s the fear of “what? when? how?”

This last round lasted nearly a week and a half.  I kept myself (mostly) safe.  I used skills that helped.  I know how to be that ninja.  It’s hell to live through…and still…it’s possible…it will get better, it won’t forever…You (and I) can do it.  Keep fighting, my friends!

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2 responses to “Where Do I Go From Here?

  1. The “unknown” has always been one of my biggest fears. Hugs to you my dear! I’ll keep fighting right along with you!

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