standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Connections Are Made…

on August 15, 2015

It hit me hard and fast and took my feet from under me.   I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed…at least close to 2 hours–and that is a long time to cry.  I was ragged the next day….so very raw.  Teary, confused…so much was there and there really hasn’t been a time I let myself feel.

I reached out and emailed with J on Wednesday night, my birthday.  I’ve recognized a part of my belief system that seems to need to be adjusted…it was listening to J on Thursday at our appt and talking with a friend the last few days and explaining the “why” of why meal plan has been a struggle to an iop friend…and, it’s coming together…

My not preventing all injuries that the kids experience is not the same as my mom causing my injuries and ignoring the sexual abuse.  They are not the same.
I created a safe, interactive learning environment for the kids…I became hypervigilant with all safety…making sure that I anticipated every possible “kids being kids” actions…it’s what “Good Mom’s” do.
G always felt I’d gone into education, unconsciously having a need to save the world…especially the world that included wounded children.  Even before I remembered my own past, I was very attuned to those students who needed me to be their champion.  And, I did all I could…being their loving support and consistency,  documenting, reporting…anything to keep them safe.  He also felt surprised when I wasn’t angry at my mom’s response of “I always felt there was something going on” when I revealed the sexual abuse…he was infuriated. ..I just wasn’t surprised by her response…intuitively,  I knew. ..and, I knew that I took her place, in an extent, in those years…I didn’t think my memories of their sex at age 12+ was happenstance. ..the sounds and the fear it brought up then had me knowing…and, ptsd has the “ages 3-10” being my world…from when my brother was born to nearly puberty.  Now…now I am beginning to feel angry.  Because parents protect their children.  “Kid being kids” is very different from abuse. That comes from their own hands, fists and angry words….and, those two sides are not the same. There is more for me to work through.
The kids getting hurt is not due to me being neglectful…even though it feels that way…because I want to fix it all.
It is different to have the adult causing the pain…intentionally, over and over and over…
They are different.
Right now, that makes sense and I think I believe it.  I believe it right now.  I also know that I have more to work through…there has been so much trauma work…and, like the iceberg below the surface, there is more and more….
Now to process and let myself feel…because this hurts like hell…days of tears…a night of full-out sobbing…without self harm…a new shift in my world…the part that finally allowed me to start to calm myself was the waves.
Emotions are like waves…they come in and out…some lap at our feet and others knock us over…gasping for breath, trying to find our footing…getting to our feet only to be knocked down again…we’re slightly off track and can get our footing…then, the waves are at our waist…and, then back to lapping at our feet.  I had to remember that the wave would not be taking me down forever…I will find my footing and be able to breathe. ❤
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2 responses to “Connections Are Made…

  1. Wow! I’ve been reading your blog, and I need to let you know that you’re such an amazingly strong person. Although you’ve had some really shit times, you’ve managed to carry on fighting, and I’m genuinely in awe of you. If you can go through all this and come out the other side, you could pretty much rule the world. Wow. x

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