standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Today

on April 13, 2015

Yes, today…The anniversary of the rape…Today…It’s becoming a series of lists…

Take meds

Eat breakfast

Get outside

Brush teeth

Be in the moment

And more…because I want to do this “right”…I don’t want to starve myself.   I don’t want to hurt myself (unfortunately, self harm made a reappearance this week).  I don’t want him to win.  I don’t want him to win. I don’t want him to win.  I am sure he is going about his normal day….that this day is not a blip on his radar.  And, I hate that it is on mine.

Eat breakfast…I need to eat breakfast.  That is the next right thing…

Part II

Ate breakfast.

Got dressed and brushed my teeth.

Needed to be outside…mowed the lawn.

Tossed on ‘somewhat clean” clothes and met a friend for lunch.

Ate lunch outdoors and enjoyed the warm weather and friendship.

Rested for an hour when I got home…with the alarm system on.

Kids are home and I’ll be outside with them.

I am doing this…I am teary and have to push memories aside…And, I am doing this…THAT day was terrifying and changed my path…this day is different.  It is not Friday the 13th, 2012.  This April 13th is mine to make choices within.

Part III

Eat dinner

Shower

Work through sensory flashback

Rest

Snack

Is it too early to call it a night?

It’s 9pm…and 9:30pm would start the “moment he arrived at my home 3 years ago”…I don’t need to relive that…not intentionally…I can get some rest…I have fought hard today…and I have won.

I have won.  I am not cured…but, I am a fucking hell of a lot better than I was!  This is MY LIFE to live!

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