standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

The Final Count “Up”…

on April 9, 2015

I am switching my idea of “counting down” until the 13th…I am looking to get to it and past it…I am trying to think of life’s daily moments and parts to enjoy…and not to allow the rapist to continue to take more and more from me.  He has taken enough.  I don’t need to “give” him more by making this date stand out.

Still…this week is rough…the nightmares and bad dreams make sleep iffy…the tears come for seemingly no reason…I have taken to spending much of my days in bed because doing much more puts me into panic mode.  A trip to the grocery store had me teary with my heart racing in the freezer aisle.  I have to consciously think of showering, brushing my teeth, eating and taking meds.  Everything seems to happen in slower motion and takes much energy to complete it.  And then I crawl back into bed.  I am ready to let the twitching eye and shaking hands go.  I am ready to sleep.  I am ready to eat in a way that doesn’t have it feeling like a full-time job.

I’ve learned some things though…mainly skills…that help me process through…that help me reach out…that help me take care of myself without entirely guilting myself to the point of no return…

A few more days and I feel that I can totally reclaim me.  The me I have come to know.  The me who is strong and courageous.  The me who smiles and laughs more than she cries.  The me who can sleep in a restful way.

And, as I look forward…I do know this year is easier than last…and easier than the year before it…certainly easier than the months after that Friday the 13th.  I know I am healing.  Not cured.  Forever changed.  And, healing.  I’d like to reclaim this month of April and focus on all the things I love about spring…without having the “13th” standing out as a beacon of fear.  That will be my next part of healing in the trauma work.  And, I have no doubt I can do it.  Moment by moment…Healing is possible. ❤

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