standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Ice Cream

on April 2, 2015

Healing, I have learned, comes in many forms…and last night, it came in the form of ice cream.  Yes, a Rocky Road Klondike Bar, to be exact (realizing now that “Rocky Road” is a great analogy for this journey!!).  What would I do for a Klondike bar? (Bonus points if you sang that aloud or in our head!)  Apparently, I did nothing other than be brave…because, truly, ice cream is not scary…Oh, it once was…it was once terrifying…and not because of the cold headache…because it, along with any items containing fat, were on the “NO, Not ever, No-Not even then” list.

My children were having this as their snack last night…and it was time for me to have snack…and, as they talked about how delicious it was, I thought–I need to eat this…I need to eat this so that they don’t remember ice cream just being a snack for them, that their mom can enjoy it, too.  And, I did…and expressed how delicious it was.  This was a moment to be shared, not to be looked on from afar.

And, you know what?  It was all okay.  I was still under on meal plan–and, in my 2nd moment of bravery, I had an “extra” snack…one that got me nearly at “Spot On” for the day.  I didn’t berate myself for eating ice cream or that extra snack…I looked at my plan and saw where I was…and, in an odd moment, didn’t congratulate myself for being under on plan…I wanted to get closer…because my body, mind and spirit needs it.

A couple of weeks ago (maybe longer…days and nights run together in the active PTSD realm), I started thinking that it was meal plan that was making the PTSD reappear…that eating was causing symptoms and that by restricting, I could stop the symptoms.  In the last few days, however, as I used skills, as meds stabilized–sleep being key, here!, as I eat close to plan, as I write down meals and snacks and send them to my psychologist daily (more than daily–sometimes meal by meal and snack by snack), as I focus on the moments and not the “April 13th” date that was looming…I have found that I am living…the flashbacks are less…I am sleeping better…I am enjoying moments…I am living…not in fear of what might happen next, but of what is working right now…what I need right now…and, it’s working.  All of the treatment and groups and skills practice…they are working!!!

Keep on healing, my friends…whether it’s ice cream or leaving the house for a moment just to get a fresh breath of air or remembering to breathe deeply…whatever you body, mind and spirit needs–right now…I hope you can grasp it.  Recovery, healing…all of it, is possible…and, truly, you do not have to fight alone.  You are not alone.  I promise.

Keep fighting,

KJ

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2 responses to “Ice Cream

  1. Lori Lara says:

    Love this! So good for you!

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