standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

I Have Been Here Before…

on March 25, 2015

I have been here before…this world of wondering (and fearing) when the next flashback will come…of treating meal plan like a full-time job…of being nervous as I fall asleep because I don’t know what will come to haunt me when I let my defenses down…of feeling the tears in my eyes and not knowing why they are there–just that they are a constant companion…of working diligently to leave the house when being wrapped in my blanket seems to be the only thing my mind and body can handle…or remembering to shower and brush my teeth…on focusing so much on “moment by moment” that my memory of the day is jumbled–Did I brush my teeth?  Did I shower today? Did I take my meds?  What am I missing?  I feel like something is missing….

It’s the world of “active” PTSD…and there used to be a time where it was 100% of my days and nights…months of them…a steady stream of flashbacks and nightmares…of hiding behind a clothes rack when I attempted to leave the house…of jumping at everything and nothing…of shaking and tremoring…of crying uncontrollably…of being assaulted again and again and again–even when it had “really” happened months or years prior.

I can say…as I approach the 3 year anniversary of the rape, this jaunt back into active PTSD isn’t nearly as bad as it’s been in the past.  I don’t like it…And, I know things will get better.  I have hope.  And that is not what I’ve had before when I am in this world.  In the past, I have been so terrified and disjointed that I felt it would last forever…that there was never going to be the opportunity to live…that my “life” would be a mix of nightmares and flashbacks and self-harm…I know that is not true.  And, although the flashbacks and nightmares are here–I know they will not last.  I know it will get better.  I know…because it’s happened before.  And, as much as I’d like to escape, I know that my mind will always come with me…and, that it is trying to keep me safe…the hypervigilance, the jumpiness, the tears…my mind wants me to be safe.  I remind myself that I am.  That I can do this.  That I can eat to plan and take meds as prescribed and can attend appointments and can use my skills (I am a f’in skill ninja!!!) and can reach out to those I trust.  I can do this.

To those who are in the most horrific parts of PTSD…Please, please, please know–It can get better.  It will get better.  Take this moment by moment and ground yourself whenever possible.  You are not crazy or losing your mind.  It will get better.  Reach out to your doctor, find/reach out to a psychiatrist or psychologist…Help is there and it will get better!  You do not have to battle alone.

Much love to all of those fighting…We can do this!!!

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