A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

So this is what a full-fledged meltdown feels like…

on February 21, 2015

Holding it together.  Trying to hold it together.  Flashing…memories…meds…remember to eat…

Those have been my days.  Yesterday, even though I know that having a drink when I am in PTSD mode doesn’t bode well, I decided to have a glass, errr goblet, of wine.  Then another.  Although (this seems to make me feel better), I dumped the last few sips.  I never felt intoxicated.  I didn’t get in the car.  I was home alone.  Then, I started to remember why I abstain from alcohol when I am “PTSD’y”…because, I freak.  First it was the skin crawling, then the tears…then the hysterics…and some sort of mix of hysterical tears combined with push-ups (because that helps??), thoughts of cutting, thoughts of purging…realizing if I purged, then I would also throw up meds…which made me want to keep everything in…so, more push ups…a couple emails to my psychologist…thoughts of finding support groups…thinking I have failed at recovery and healing…hating PTSD and myself for feeling like this.

And, that is what a full-fledged meltdown looks like…nose and eyes leaking, hysterical tears, wanting to run and hide and not knowing where to go…I hadn’t missed that.

Back to moment by moment and doing the next right thing.


5 responses to “So this is what a full-fledged meltdown feels like…

  1. You just described the way I’ve felt for the past few weeks. It’s a bizarre way of being. But yes, skin crawling so describes it. I’m pretty much done with this ptsd/eating disordered hell or whatever it is. Hope you are feeling better.

    • And you, as well!! Yesterday was a good day…I got outside, shoveled snow (manual labor, although probably putting me over my movement plan, felt good!), played with the kids…the thoughts were less intrusive…Today has been a mixed bag. However, I glimpsed “normalcy” yesterday and that makes me hopeful. It also has me realizing that I haven’t felt like myself for a bit. Knowledge is power. I am with you…being “done” with it…like kicking ED to the curb and telling him never to return (nasty bastard!). Yet, PTSD apparently has its own timeline and ups and downs…and, I am working to accept that…accepting it doesn’t mean I have to like it…It can just be. Let’s heal together. There are so many of us in this world…too many…although, it does give us people who understand. Hoping today brings good moments for you!!!

      • I came to work for a bit to get computer work done in peace. Like who goes in on Sunday but I can’t concentrate and get myself so behind during the week. I have yoga in about an hour and I’m feeling not quite like myself either. I dislike going when I feel like an anxious mess and I’ve cancelled the last several times because I can’t get my butt there. I’m trying to change my mindset and reminding myself that I’m doing yoga for that exact reason…because I have these stupid ptsd symptoms and feel disconnected and scared. OMG, I just need to get over myself!
        But I’m so happy you had glimmer of normalcy and feel hopeful that life can be beautiful again. Kids can help with that!
        Thanks ❤

      • You know…It doesn’t have to do with getting over yourself…this is where you are at–and, in all honesty, it sucks!!! It sucks to be scared, to want to run and hide….to be scared of everything and nothing and memories…it sucks. Yet–it’s there. And, it’s normal. And, it will get better. So, if yoga at a studio isn’t in the works, maybe try some yoga at home? Or, set your phone alarm and take a few minutes of compassionate, self-care? And when those guilt or shame-filled thoughts threaten to get you off course, tell them that you’re done listening. It doesn’t mean they won’t still be there, demanding your time and energy. And, hearing them doesn’t mean that you are failing at recovery. It’s just part of the “downs”…there will be “ups”. Be kind to yourself…or, think of what advice you’d give to a trusted friend….and tell yourself the same thing. That said–I need to remember to take my own advice and insight, too!!

      • LoL, thanks! I needed to hear that. The sad part is that yoga is beautiful once I get there. I only broke down or panicked or whatever one time. The rest have been great and I think I need to get out but I don’t know. I do feel like I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone and then beating myself up for not being able to follow through. So yes, I need to be gentle on myself and take a breathe. And you as well!

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