A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

The Countdown…

on February 18, 2015

Thus begins the countdown…I knew that this day, this “Ash Wednesday” was coming…It seeped into my subconsciousness in the form of nightmares these last couple of weeks…it came in the form of memories I thought were worked through–and therefore without power…it’s that my skin crawls and I couldn’t figure out why…it’s in forgetting to eat and really not knowing why I am struggling…

My body and brain remembered before I could remember…My conscious mind remembered as the sun gleamed off the snow…and as I realized “Ash Wednesday” was approaching.  Enter–Steady stream of memories and flashes.

Ash Wednesday begins the Lenten season.  It also, for nearly the last 3 years, symbolizes the “First Meet” of the person who, in the next 40 days/nights, would become my rapist…and then stalker.  It all had started at the Ash Wednesday service…words shared…a slight conversation…

And, I know where it goes from there…I have reread the messages enough to know what they say…I think of conversations and can probably map out a timeline…one where “Friday, April 13th” stands out in bright-red ink…where I wish it would’ve said “DANGER!!!!” and “You think you are being careful, but this person is really not safe.”  Although, as my thoughts shift to that realm…it puts the choice or control on me…and, I know…after years of intensive therapy…that choice and control were taken from me…violently taken from me…that night.

I move forward…realizing that, just like I am in recovery from the eating disorder, I am also in recovery from the rape.  And, there will be times that PTSD and memories flood back…and, this is one of them.  I know that it will get better.  I know that I have a life to live.  I know that I can reach out instead of isolating.  I know, as my favorite pastor would remind me, to treat myself kindly and compassionately.

It’s his advice and insight I choose to remember right now…to treat myself kindly and compassionately.  And so, I ate lunch as I typed…and now it’s time for a comfy sweatshirt and snuggling with the pets.

Be well, my friends ❤


4 responses to “The Countdown…

  1. Lori Lara says:

    Love and comfort to you. I’m so sorry that happened to you. 💗

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