A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely


on October 22, 2014

As I work my way through living freely, I find myself blogging less…however, it is with blogging that I have been able to move myself through healing and recovery…and the knowledge that there isn’t some endpoint I am racing toward, it’s in living and being present that apparently is the focus.  All that said, I am struggling…My pastor, G, is retiring in 2 weeks and this brings with it a transition that makes me sad…or bittersweet…happy for him, grateful for all of the coffee talks we’ve had, appreciative of all his insight, care and compassion…and sad that “this” is coming to an end.  And, even typing it brings the tears…because what I feel is grief…tremendous grief…for the person who is integral in my life and me and my healing…it feels like I am losing a limb…or maybe it is heartbreak that I feel.  Yes, there is heartbreak.  Because, it’s not so much the thoughts of missing his role in my healing…it’s that I feel like I am losing him.  And, I don’t want to lose him.  I want our friendship to continue…and, maybe it can…but that cannot happen right away…which makes this feel like more of a death.


And, who seems to be right there when I grieve?  Well, Ed, of course.  Ed, who knows all my deep, dark secrets and says he can help me work through my grief.  That he is the one who will never leave me.  That he will be my friend.  So, I let him have a foothold…and worry about weight, even though I am under on meal plan.  I think about getting a scale.  I purposefully restrict within meal plan…or fast altogether.


This is where the blog fills a need…it lets me get my jumbled thoughts out…without fear of judgment…without censoring what I feel.  This is where the friends in my “real life” fill a need…where I can say “I am struggling” and they respond with a hug or a “What do you need right now?”.  This is where I continue with weekly psychologist appointments, even though, after 2.5 years of treatment, I “should” be at fewer appointments (I have no idea whether that is true or not–Maybe Ed tells me that I should be going less).  I try to remember that feeling sad and crying are not signs of weakness…they are signs that someone I care greatly about is not going to be involved in my life and grieving is okay.  I try to remember that eating or feeling hungry are not signs of weakness, they are signs of health.


I need this blog…I need this community.  Thank you for continuing to travel with me.


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