standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

This is My Story

on February 22, 2014

 

I am owning my story.  I have moved from victim (which I never wanted to be…none of us do) to survivor to living freely.  This journey is not one I could’ve ever predicted, yet–all of it–all of the pain and weariness and tears–have gotten me to this place.  To finding value in myself…to loving myself…to understanding the God’s love and grace aren’t just for everyone else, it’s for me, too.  I am enough.  I am worthy of love and kindness.  I matter.  It’s in beginning to believe those are true, that I am discovering what it is to live freely.  I have never been safe before.  I am now.  I can live this wonderful life.  I am learning what that means and how to do it.  Thank you for traveling with me.

 

Sometimes, when I pause to think back on the last 3.5 years, I am astounded…and I think “There’s no way this all could’ve happened in that amount of time.”…and yet, it did.  I was so determined to do it…to keep my head up, to be ‘strong’, to keep a smile on my face…and I did.  I survived.  Against a great many number of odds, I survived.  I see now that survival also brought with it a loss of me…because someone can only smile through the pain for so long…because the mind, body and spirit can take beatings…but, at some point, the soul shouts “THIS IS ENOUGH!!!!”

 

I have said that, for as positive and optimistic as I am, it was in despair and weariness that I found my spirit.  And, I am…

 

For those who have recently started following this blog, it wasn’t designed to be an eating disorder recovery blog…or a rape support blog…or a domestic abuse blog…It started as an idea to support others who have neurological disorders and(or) have had brain surgery.  I couldn’t have predicted that starting this blog in the winter to reach out and support others as they journeyed on their brain-games that those next few months would bring a divorce and a rape and a massive relapse that thrust me back into the world of eating disorders.  Or the world of PTSD and self-harm and a stay in a hospital to help me get myself safe again.

 

And yet–I am still standing…I have been battered, but not broken.  I abandoned the “Everything happens for a reason” philosophy 3 years ago when a friend’s young son died suddenly.  I kept with the “It is what it is.” but I abandoned that one, too as it takes away from owning part of my story.  I kept with: Everyone is battling something.” and “Good comes from everything”…I believe both of those.  My pastor, who I adore, has also told me that sometimes “Shit just happens!”.  So, as I try, in the midst of traumas to find the good, that piece of insight enters my mind.  It keeps me reminded that good can come from every trauma–and I do believe it does–but I don’t have to pretend the trauma doesn’t hurt…I don’t have to hold in the tears…to keep a smile on my face…to be such a great pretender that even I have convinced myself that I am not bothered…

 

This journey of mine…my story…involves so much goodness….and some slips and slides and fear of relapse…it involves being honest and authentic and genuine.  It acknowledges what has happened to me and knowing that those atrocities do not define me.  And, in telling people…I have been met with support and encouragement and love!!!  Which allows me to heal further.  Oh what a life this is.  And I am glad to be living it.

 

Thank you, again and again, for traveling this journey with me…for following my story as it unfolds.  XOXO, KJ

 

 

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9 responses to “This is My Story

  1. Teela Hart says:

    I am happy you are sharing your story, it helps me. 🙂

  2. your bravery in writing this, putting it out there, is inspiring. You motivate me to keep moving forward and keep speaking up.
    ‘This journey of mine…my story…involves so much goodness….and some slips and slides and fear of relapse…it involves being honest and authentic and genuine.’ And this, my dear, is what so amazing. Your honesty, authenticity is beautiful.

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