standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Flashing Back

on November 27, 2013

And, with one word, I’ve been thrown back into flashes and flashbacks.  I am dating someone new and he knows about my large pieces of baggage (which, much of it, is becoming more and more “the past”–in fact, I will make that switch now…it may be baggage AND it’s in the past).  So-I am dating someone new and he knows the big aspects of my past that might impact our relationship.  However, he has chosen to use a word, in a way, that the rapist used….and, it’s had me flashing. To put it into context, it was a crass and (as J and G and friends say) degrading “I want to f*** you”…possibly something that couples say, although I am assuming it may be used after more than the first month of dating.  Maybe.  Or, maybe I take it more personally since the last couple people I dated didn’t use the word in that way (don’t get me wrong, I use the word–more as a verb!!).  And so, after using it in a conversation the other night, I had flashes….and after using it Monday night to describe what he felt would be happening at our next date, I was having flashbacks.

He doesn’t know this.  All he knows is that I am not ready for that next stage of the relationship.  I am proud of myself for being upfront about that.  I know that the old me would have never been  that upfront. I would’ve assumed that my gut feel was wrong. I wouldn’t have trusted myself.  I now know I can trust myself.  I am not ready.

And the word is not okay to use with me.  I remember flashbacks.  I know how horrible they are.  And yet–I had forgotten.  I had forgotten that they assault the mind and body.  I was frantic.  I had forgotten the hysterical tears and crawling skin that is left when the flashback stops.  It’s terrible.  This is PTSD.

Food has been tough these last few days.  I am under plan.  But, as it would’ve been a great secret to keep in my past–it no longer is.  I am reaching out.  I am not keeping my tricks under wraps.  I am using skills on my own more than ever before.  I am remembering the cruise and how it felt to do self-care.

At 16 months of intensive treatment and trauma work, I am healing.  I am choosing health.

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2 responses to “Flashing Back

  1. You are strong. You are up against so much, and still you are reaching out for support, and choosing health. It’s beautiful. And inspiring. Thank you.

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