I am My Own Self…..

…..and, I don’t rely on others to decide my worth.  Maybe this is something others know or experience.  It is new for me.  I had always let others tell me if I was sad or angry or happy….or, more likely–if what I was feeling was ‘wrong’.  The moods, thoughts, feelings and actions of others were always more important….they mattered.  My role was to keep them happy…I learned this early on and it was solidified as I got older.  It’s what primed me to be such a great co-dependent in marriage!  I was even convinced that I didn’t have feelings (Ed is great for helping with this!).  That is what shows me that the last year of healing has truly transformed me…absolutely transformed me.

 I think back to a time when I wasn’t even sure who I was…and today…I know….I am passionate and strong…I have a quippy sense of humor …. I love painting….I take slow, deep breaths–and close my eyes–when deep in thought….and so much more.

And so, in the ‘get back together, break back apart’ relationship of the last couple weeks, reading the pages of “Why KJ Causes Someone Else Anxiety” (not the actual title, but it could have been!) from my ex, didn’t cause me to fall headfirst into Ed or to hurt myself…It hurt….reading that someone I had loved felt that I–and the intricate parts of me –cause them anxiety and frustration…to the point that, not only do they think such things in moments of anger–but actually type them down, edit/revise them, then share the page with me (yes, it was in an online blog that was supposedly marked as private)…hurt me in ways I didn’t understand.  Yet, my first move was not to lash out….or, more accurately, lash in.  I sent the message with an explanation (“I was trying to help Je with his anxiety and thought it’d be helpful for him to write down some of the things that were ‘rattling around in his head’.  I offered to read the list if he felt it would be helpful for me to understand for our relationship.  Here’s what he sent….thoughts and insight, please?”) to my closest friends.  And, realized, rather quickly, that my hurt was compounded tremendously when those who love and care about me read what someone has written.  They were pissed. 

It all reminded me of the FRIENDS episode when Ross makes a pros/cons list about Rachel–and she sees it accidentally….and he says “But you were not supposed to see it!!”…and she tells him (something to the effect of) “Ross, do you know how hurtful it is to see the things that you wonder about yourself and see them in writing–from someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally?”.  And that was the clincher. 

I love myself more.  I love myself enough to know that I have value.  I love myself to know that I wake each morning, grateful for the day, and determined to do my best.  To greet everyone with a smile. To parent positively.  To laugh. To drink coffee. To not berate when I make mistakes. To know it’s okay to make mistakes and apologize.

And, it was then that I texted him….and after that that we talked on the phone….that I ended the relationship because it’s not the relationship for me….or for him….

I am healing.  I am making progress.  I am so much healthier today than I was 15 months ago!!!!  And, if heartache is part of living, it means I am living.  And, I am so grateful to be living.

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