standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

on October 16, 2013

…especially when I am still learning sadness…because, that’s what I feel…and so, I let the tears fall and let myself feel.  I fight Ed and feed my body.  I reach out to friends and my team and allow them to support me…to talk, to hug, to offer their compassion….I let them help me.  I wrap myself in their support and a comfy blanket…not the scratchy blanket Ed used to provide….but a soft, dark purple one….one that has comforted me through episodes following hospital stays, through the shame that comes after purging or cutting, through other break ups which didn’t seem to hurt like this one, through flashback days and the nightmares that haunt my nights.

Emotion hurts…and I know it’s better to feel…to be sad….to cry….because, being numb hurts me….and it hurts those around me….I can feel….Ed could try to fix this so I wouldn’t feel, but–he’s trying to kill me….and, I know the purple blanket, tears, waves of emotion and support I have will never do that….and I choose them.  Don’t try for more of a foothold, Ed.  You must’ve forgotten that you were kicked to the curb….sneaking back may make you feel powerful–and yet, you’ve missed something while you’ve been away.  I am a stronger person now that I was then.  F*^% You, Ed.  I don’t have time for you and your games.

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