standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

There Could Be Better Places

on September 10, 2013

I sent this to my pastor this morning after happening upon this quote (Wolf Hall)…when my boyfriend passed along a photo of Red Riding Hood facing the Big Bad Wolf with the quote “Expose yourself to your deepest fear.  After that…You are free” (Jim Morrison), it made me think of the email…and I thought I’d share…

“Are there people in the world who are not cruel to their children? For the first time, the weight in his chest shifts a little; he thinks, there could be other places, better.”
This piece never came to me all at once…it came in bits and pieces…certainly as I went through coursework and into teaching and especially when I became Mom to R and E…and even moreso as they have grown.  It’s the second piece of the  quote that has to do with “all this” I have survived–“there could be other places, better”…it’s not a physical place I have sought to find…it’s a place in me….where I can be authentic and genuine…it’s the journey of the last year and a half…the marathon…and not with a destination…it’s in living…living freely…this last week thrust me back into fear and I started to forget what I’ve learned about living…I started to focus on merely surviving…and, although safety has to be in the forefront, I cannot focus solely on that piece…I cannot forget that I want to thrive…

I have ‘lived’ this life long enough in survival mode…It got me this far….I can take what I’ve learned and keep myself and the kids safe….and I can still delight in the moments….it may be harder to do right now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do it….I do know how to do ‘this’…and I can do it without isolating or hiding the vulnerable moments…Je has seen me vulnerable and he hasn’t hurt me or left because of it….my close friends see it and are still friends…you do–and you haven’t told me I’m too much…Ja does–and it’s okay.

So, I breathe…and snuggle E and kiss the crown of R’s head…and I eat….and I don’t hide or keep the “I’m okay!” smile on my face…I eat to plan…and I notice the moments and remember that that is where I found living freely.  I am kicking fear out.  I have survived much more than what the last week brought…It’s okay that it’s scared me…it’s okay that I’ve cried…It’s okay.

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