standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

And, The Past Comes Unleashed….

on September 4, 2013

It’s sometimes difficult for me to blog in the midst of crisis….and other times it’s therapeutic…when there is so much  unknown, I struggle….I think I should know the answers…and what should happen next.  With that said, I don’t.  I share my story as a way of healing…and in the hopes that it can help someone.  I keep myself utterly honest and authentic…and, with that….here’s what has transpired the last 3 days.

The Sunday church service was great…I was with my boyfriend and children….and, although the kids were quite wiggly due to no Sunday school (and had to sit through a service!!!!!) and I was frustrated with the toe-tapping on the pews and “Is it almost done?” comments, it was fine.  After the service, the past began to slap me in the face.  It appeared in the form of my rapist–who had decided to stop by on his bike ride by the church.  I was informed of his arrival through a cryptic conversation by my friend and lawyer.  My boyfriend was out the doors to check on the kids who were playing outside, even before I could pick up on what W was saying.  As my mind figured it out, I immediately followed J.

Seeing the rapist in my peripheral as I left was enough to get my teary-eyed…and by the time I was by J’s side and in his arms, I was starting to tremor.  J went to get a better look of “bike boy” and when he returned, I knew I needed to retreat…I went off to G’s office, where all I had to say, as he looked at my face, was the name of the rapist….and G hugged me and had me sit down…I went into a fetal position on the floor and let the tears start to fall.  The rapist, on his bicycle, left shortly after G went to see why he was there (there is to be no contact)–and, as I stood to be sure the kids were okay from my position in G’s office, I saw the stare-down between J and the rapist.  Meeting plan was tough….and I slept was J’s that night…with some odd dreams, but not what I’d call nightmares.  I worked hard to meet plan on Sunday….with each bite I took, I knew he was not winning….that Ed was not winning and that the rapist was not winning.  I have been hurt and survived….I will not hurt myself by starving…I will not burn myself…I will not cut myself…I will not pull hair out….I will not isolate.  I will reach out to supports, I will eat to plan, I will work through this emotion overload and use good skills.  These waves of the past will not last forever…and I am a different person now than I was before.  I can do this.

Monday brought the wedding of two good friends!  It was a beautiful service and sitting with J and having the kids there was wonderful.  The kids left early, as did J.  I spent a couple more hours visiting with the bride, groom, their friends….and drinking champagne as if it were water…I had fun.  It was in leaving and halfway to J’s that I realized I should not be driving.  And, by the time I got to J’s, I was wobbling as I attempted to walk, in heels!, across the lot to his apartment.

Things went downhill from there….apparently, alcohol is a key that unlocks the limbic system…and more alcohol opens the door….and more alcohol blows the hinges right off….and in my bathroom floor, vomiting all that was in my stomach moments….the flashes were constant…it was difficult to tell past from present….I was flashing to moments with the rapist and moments with my ex….I was fearful about being hit or shoved….I was terrified that J would be angry….I felt that vomit equals purging….that I was disgusting and fat…..I was a mess of tears and vomit….with Ed, my ex and the rapist guiding and controlling my thoughts.  To say that J took good care of me is an understatement…and I don’t know if I have the right words to express how kind, compassionate and caring he was as I underwent this transformation of complete vulnerability.

Tuesday brought messages…..The messages were short…and from a number I didn’t know…..with the first coming at 3:15 and the next ones coming through, one after another, at 3:26/3:27.

The first stated:

3:15pm You should be ashamed of yourself.

3:26pm Seriously? What were you thinking?

3:26pm It’s disgusting.

3:27pm You know you were wrong.

I felt I knew who they were from…and, in searching for the number online, the rapist’s first name appeared….

And so, after a conversation with my lawyer, with the phone company to block the new number, calls and emails to G and my psychologist, an impromptu date with J who held me…. I ate to plan….because, even though getting stressed and anxious and not knowing what the future will bring, I know that not eating hurts me.  And, I have been hurt enough.

I don’t know what happens now….I am working through the idea of police reports and a protective order (the threats of stalking were initially there when the rape occurred)….I am eating….trying to eat to plan….and, with that…it is time for breakfast.

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