standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Celebrating 36….

on August 12, 2013

I am 36 years old today.  I remember the days when 36 seemed old.  It doesn’t feel so old today.  In fact, I feel more alive today, right now, than I did when 36 sounded old.  I am grateful to see 36…I nearly didn’t see 35 due to being malnourished….and really, even surviving my 35th birthday wasn’t the same as living freely on my 36th.  35 came in as I’d entered intensive treatment…I was still in a cog fog, with hair falling out and peeling nails.  With a fake smile I had plastered on my face, gritting my teeth and thinking–always thinking–“Don’t let them know”.  I was 10 when Ed entered my life…he’s lied and lived with me for 26 years.  He won’t be with me for the next 26 years.  I don’t believe his lies so easily and that comfy coat is scratchy and nasty….and it stinks!

I celebrate 36 with authenticity…not all happiness and rainbows and butterflies….I was triggered by a text from my dad and that brought tears later.  AND-that’s me being genuine.  It’s okay that I was triggered and surprised.  Apparently, it’s part of being human.  It didn’t keep me from following plan.  My boyfriend has coined the “Keep Calm and Follow Meal Plan” idea…and it works well.  Taking it out on myself may be a fleeting thought….and it’s not something I can easily follow through with.  The burning, the cutting, the fasting….those are not my ‘first choice’ when it comes to tough times.  I have too many other skills to use….and those are becoming natural.  When Ed gets louder, I can block him out for longer than I ever could before.  And when he gets really loud, I have the best support group to reach out to….their voices help drown out Ed’s nastiness.

I ate a delicious dinner tonight…I could taste it….and it tasted good…learning to like the taste of food is new for me.  I ate because it was the medicine I needed….even if it tasted like those nasty, chewable Children’s Tylenol tablets I had as a kid.  Dinner tonight tasted good…and I didn’t flee or run screaming when the waitress brought out a surprise brownie topped with ice cream and a candle….I smiled….and I ate some, with the encouragement of my boyfriend across the table….and it was delicious.  I don’t know when I’ve last had a brownie or ice cream….and to celebrate 36, I did.

So, is recovery possible?  Yes, I believe it is.  Am I recovered?  Not yet.  I still have battling to do….and I am not battling alone.  I have an army alongside me.  And we are stronger than Ed.  Keep on battling, my friends….there is a life out there worth living….it is better than I ever dreamed….I was terrified of living without Ed….he abused me in that way….convincing me that I needed him.  I didn’t and don’t.  You don’t either.  I promise.  You can do this.  And, if you are reading this….wherever you are on your journey–you are doing it….all it takes is that first step.  You got this!!

XOXO,

KJ

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6 responses to “Celebrating 36….

  1. Lori Lara says:

    Happy birthday! What a fantastic post – I am cheering you on in your recovery. I love how you describe the lies of ED, and I especially love that you’re ignoring those lies. What a blessing.

    I’m 7 years in recovery from a 20-year eating disorder. Like you, I never – EVER thought I’d be free from the hellish tyrant. Once I saw the lies for what they were, the spell was broken.

    I pray that everyone who reads this wonderful birthday post is inspired and humbled to know how much they’re loved…

    Hugs to you. 🙂

  2. Hey there, Thanks for stopping by to check out my blog and the follow, hope you liked what you saw. Looking forward to seeing more from you, 🙂

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