A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

One Year of Healing

on July 29, 2013

I have worked my way through one year of intensive treatment….one year of tears and harming myself, one year of self-discovery and self-hatred, one year of questioning everything-including what my body actually looks like….one year of ups and downs….and downs and ups….one year of learning that it’s okay to be vulnerable and to need help….one year of recognizing that what I “knew” was just lies and more lies….one year of boundary setting.  As I sit to blog about this last year, I thought of the email I sent to my clinician and pastor–who have each played such amazing roles in this journey of mine.  Below is the email I sent to them.

One year later….I dare say….meal plan has not made me fat…AND I am so much healthier….and, my recent slips (stemming from my “I should be cured–it’s been a year!”) have taught me more about recovery….it is a choice…each and every bite is a choice.  I choose recovery.  Check out how long my hair has gotten!!!!  And my color is so much better….and my body temperature isn’t 97 anymore….and I don’t feel the funky heartbeats as much….and my clothes still fit….just as S promised.
I had no idea how much trauma was there….and, for as abusive as Ed is/was….he helped…and, at the age of 10, I made a better choice–Ed or suicide….I didn’t expect to end up where I am….and this is this is the journey I travel.  I am grateful for these moments….Thank you for teaching me that there is more to life than putting one foot in front of the other and doing only for others….and for helping me through the reliving of the most terrible aspects that I had buried.  I lived it once….I relived it and worked through it with each of your support….and now, it just ‘is’….not buried….maybe brushed aside….part of my history, but not something that defines me.  I have a lot of living left in me.  I will live this life authentically.  I am determined.  It feels so much more genuine that way.  I want to be done believing Ed’s lies….I have a life to live….and I will live it freely….
I don’t know how to thank each of you….please know I keep you both in my heart….it’s your voices I hear in my mind when Ed threatens to undo the work I’ve done–although, he cannot undo it….I may slip, but I will not go back to where I was.  It’s not possible.  I know too much to live that life.  I will live the life I am intended to live.
And, as I type that, I’m having strong deja vu….which helps me to know I am on the right track….and you have helped me get to this point….I’m still here….Thank you……
Much love,
Recovery is possible.  It takes time.  It’s confusing.  Keep doing the next right thing…meal by meal….snack by snack….recovery is possible,  I heard this song recently and I’ve had it on “repeat” in my mind….I hope it gives you the support and relief it gives me.  “There are roads, in this life, that we all travel.  There are scars and there are battles where we roam.”

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