standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Did I Always Feel this Lousy?

on May 20, 2013

A few days into being close on meal plan and clarity is hitting….I’ve been in such a fog….I’ve been frantic….I’ve been fearful….my days have run together.  The headache and nausea are here….Did I always feel like this?  Is this what 24 years of battling an eating disorder was like?  Had I just gotten used to feeling like shit all the time?  I asked this question to J, who said….Yes, this is normal to feel like this after so much restricting….and no–I was much, much worse….and, in looking back to last spring and summer….when my body temperature was around 97 and I was growing lanugo….and my heart rate was off….and my nails were peeling…and my hair breaking in my hands and fall out in clumps…and the only emotion I had was fear….my hands and feet were numb….my brain was taking any energy it got and using it solely for survival.  And, even then…I was so malnourished that my body starting devouring the muscle….Thin was never thin enough….and, this isn’t a “I feel pretty” disorder.  This is a mental health disorder.  And, maybe it’s appropriate to be coming off a near relapse in May–which is Mental Health Awareness month.  I, and so many others, battle a mental illness that claims more lives than anything else

I can sit here now and say….Recovery is possible.  The secret, isolated world that Ed creates isn’t living.  Reaching out has allowed me to live….I was too sick to realize how sick I was…I can see it now….but I didn’t see it then.  I would’ve let Ed kill me.  And, he is not worth it.  I am worthy.  I am worth saving.  I can live freely.  I deserve kindness and compassion.  It wasn’t many months ago that I couldn’t think, let alone say, those positive things about myself.  This journey may be hellish and the hardest battle I have ever fought…I am winning the war….you can, too.

 

Much love for all of those who are journeying!!

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