standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

“Eating helps me feel better”

on May 14, 2013

This comment came at the end of an email to my psychologist…after the “And, maybe….”….I had my first ‘spot on’ meal today in quite some time…and, as I’ve battled so many physical symptoms from the concussion (and who knows what else!), a headache I’ve had for weeks has started to wane.  I met plan yesterday–and am close today–again…it’s been a few weeks since I have been…I have been meeting 50-70% of meal plan…not nearly enough to be healthy….

In emailing (which we do daily and I meet with him twice a week), I made that comment…and he responded back with “Say that out loud a few times.”….I read it…I reread it…I tried to say it…I whispered it…and then said it louder.  And the hair stood up on my arms and I got teary-eyed.  I said it again and again as the tears flowed.

Ed had begun to tell me that I really don’t have an eating disorder…that eating more than I was (which was restricting within meal plan) was going to make me fat..yadda, yadda, yadda.  I was listening…I could still hear wise mind and I was trying….but it was so hard….and then I started questioning wise mind and myself…and then berating myself for slipping….and, so begins the slippery slope of relapse.

Saying “Eating helps me feel better” shouldn’t be profound….yet, it is…it is…and, if it wasn’t so profound, then maybe I could pretend that the last 9 months of treatment were a farce, that I never had and don’t have an eating disorder….that this is how everyone lives….maybe I could even go back and question if it was rape or just that my “NO” doesn’t count….or if it was child abuse or just discipline…..or if it was sexual abuse or just being “Daddy’s little girl”….or if it was domestic abuse or just that I was too sensitive.  Even typing those things makes me realize how much work I have done and just how far I have come…because, I have questioned all of those things…and moved along that continuum…and then radically accepted what those things were.  As devastating as it was to relive horrible moments and have nightmares and flashbacks…and hide and hurt myself…and startle and sob….I have moved through the pain…and can type those things without tremoring or shaking….wow…I have really made tremendous progress.  I am reminding myself that I have to look back over time….over the months….over the last year….to see how much healthier I am today.

Yes, I have been relapsing….and I am choosing recovery.  I am healthier now.  I deserve to nourish my body.  Eating helps me feel better.  It helps my body and my brain.  It truly does.

Progress, not perfection.

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