standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Settling In….

on May 3, 2013

I’m settling into this journey….the  ups and downs….the questions and answers….the fact that living comes without trying….how wonderful it is to not be fearful so much of the time.  I startle less.  I am out of my cocoon.  I can sleep at night and feel rested.  I can cry when I am sad.  I can say “enough” when the medical testing exhausts me.  I can set clear boundaries…and realize someone’s nastiness isn’t about me…it’s about them.

April was difficult…the combination of being post-concussive from the February car accident and all that comes with it, combined with the anniversary of the rape was a lot for my mind, body and spirit to take.  I restricted.  I did some fasting.  And, when flashbacks and nightmares returned, I burned and cut myself.  And then clarity came…just like the sun rises each morning, clarity came.  I have been injured by many people I trusted–my parents, my ex husband, my rapist.  Fasting, restricting, burning and cutting harm me.  I have been harmed enough.  I love myself too much to be the one continuing that cycle.  I have stopped this cycle in how I parent my children.  They will not know the fear I knew growing up.  And yet–I continued the cycle with myself.  Allowing that berating inner voice to tell me I didn’t deserve to eat, that I needed to hurt myself as a way to atone…none of that is true.  And, I decided….after talking with my mom for the first time in 9months and telling her why I cut off contact–and having her judge (how could I not tell her??? you should have told me….)–I said “I only had a couple memories from childhood and they were of you screaming, hitting, squeezing and throwing us. And, Dad told me that you would be angry at me if I told you.  You would say I was dirty and not listening.”  At this point she said–“It wasn’t just a couple of times….I beat and screamed at you daily”…no apology…just a ‘simple’ fact…my little brother and I were abused daily by our mother.  I was sexually abused by my father. My brother was psychologically and verbally abused by our father.  We grew up in a hellish household and it still amazes me that we have survived as well as we did.

It was that conversation…and a flashback that weekend that had me let the breath I was holding out….and I was able to find peace.  It was never about me.  I wasn’t a horrible, piece of shit kid…there was nothing I did to deserve the abuse and hatred that was flung at me….daily….daily.

Moving forward allows me to set the boundaries….without guilt or need for explanation.  I can live my life.  Without making the process sound simple, I feel I am at a point where I can say that all of these things happened…and they have contributed to the person I have become….however, they do not define me.  They are part of who I am–but they are not WHO I am….I am me…and I have found more and more parts of me in these last nine months of recovery.  Never was it easy…but I don’t hesitate to say that it is worth it….it is all worth it…I am more “ME” today than I have ever been….I am safe….I am happy…I can be sad or excited or giggly or irritated….I can appreciate the simplicity and complexity….I can nourish my body…my mind….my soul….

I am settling into progress…not perfection…and I know I can do it…I can heal.  I was a victim….yet I survived.  Now, I thrive and I live freely.

Thank you for following my journey…XOXO!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: