A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

A Butterfly Takes Flight

on April 9, 2013

One year…I am trying to let the emotion come as it may…let the tears fall…to not judge the memories … there is nothing I can change about this week…and, it wasn’t my fault.  The rape was a trigger, nearly a year ago.  It sent me spiraling and seeking that most comfortable coat I had…ED…Ed who had gotten me through childhood abuse…Ed who was always there…Ed who got me through a difficult marriage….Ed who got me through brain surgeries and pain…Ed….who was so sneaky that I never realized his ‘support’ was killing me.  But, last April, I didn’t know he was sneaky and mean….and even more abusive than the other people I’d been hurt by.  Yet, I fasted the other day and have been restricting…and then judge myself for doing so…I thought I’d booted Ed to the curb…and I had…I didn’t even see him come in the back door.  And so…this week I remember self-care…I remember that emotions won’t kill me…I remember to take it meal by meal and snack by snack.  I let the tears fall.  I offer myself compassion…just as I would to a friend.  I reach out for support.  I am honest with where I am….because secrecy only leads to shame and self-harm.  I brush aside thoughts of cutting or burning and try to keep my hands busy so that I don’t pull my hair.  I am keeping my appointments and planning my days.  I am letting myself stay snuggled into bed, listening to the birds. I allow myself to breathe deeply…to feel the sunshine…to be proud of how far I have come in this last year.

I have been living freely…these last 2 months, I have learned how to live freely.  And, it’s not scary…and I didn’t have to overplan it…it happens in being present…in remembering self-care…over cups of coffee and time with friends….and being with my children…it came with dating for the first time in a long time…and allowing myself to trust someone….As I began to wean off of using the sleeping bag, the images in my mind continued to be that of a butterfly emerging…I’ve been stretching my wings…and it feels wonderful ❤  I trust that my wings are beautiful in the sunshine…and also in this storm…I never knew what it felt like to soar…I will work through this storm in the most healthy ways I have learned…because I am not willing to go back to the person I was.  That caterpillar got me so very far…and now I can let her rest…the butterfly is taking it from here.



2 responses to “A Butterfly Takes Flight

  1. This is beautiful! Be proud of every little victory… and each of these things… the self care and the living free and the keeping your hands busy… they are all victories. You can beat Ed today, for this meal. You only ever need to get through one meal, or one snack. Just one at a time. Don’t forget the feeling of freedom from Ed! Stay strong!

    • ❤ Thank you…I've been doing so well…this week has surprised me…but yes…I cannot go back,,,living is so much better than I ever dreamed…I wonder now how I was so terrified at the thought of living without Ed…it's so much better to be free.

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