standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Envious of Turtles

on January 5, 2013

My isolating has taken some turns…which has me thinking that being a turtle who can just hide in its shell–well, that sounds very appealing.  My safety feel has been disappearing…and this has gotten me into my house, usually in bed, sometimes hiding in closets…to feel safe.  It has made quick trips to the grocery store a race to get what I need in the smallest amount of time…all the while darting, being on full alert  and watching, watching, watching for danger.  I didn’t think it was too bad.  I know I feel frantic and panicked, but I thought it was fine.  But, in attempting dinner and drinks with friends I trust, I realized this has become a problem.  And, 1.5 hours in, as the tears fell, I knew it was time to get back into my cocoon…it didn’t stop me from berating myself for not doing it better…when I should’ve been congratulating myself for leaving the house.  I don’t remember this being an issue before…and for an extrovert who loves people and tries to be the one coordinating gatherings, this is unsettling.  Hence…I thought of turtles…because they can just pop into their shell when they need to.  That doesn’t work as well at the grocery store or out to dinner with friends.  Working on healing.  I am so fearful right now.

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