standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Days and Nights…Nights and Days

on January 1, 2013

My days and nights are blending into nights and days…my ability to distinguish them is lacking…and after 3 solid days and nights of tears, panic, tremors…which was witnessed by G on Sunday and then J on Monday, I’ve said that I will consider medication to help.  They both feel that I have uncovered the worst of it….that I am not proving anything by continuing to ‘take it’…that it is not ‘giving up’ or ‘being weak’ by saying that I cannot keep living like this.  I have survived this abuse once already…and I have been reliving it for the last 2 weeks…my sleep is plagued with nightmares and startling and hearing footsteps and creaky doors…I can feel the pain and stickiness and sadness of the assault…everything–and yet nothing–triggers me.  I had been unable to leave the house except to get to church or the center…I attempted a trip to take the kids to the movies and tremored throughout it.  I was frantic in attempting a trip to the store yesterday…and stopping to get gas, had me watching and waiting and darting my glances.  This is not living.  I know my body needs sleep.  I know I need to let my heart rate slow down.  I will consider medication to help.  Not because I am weak…but because I am being wise…and strong…and I no longer have to punish myself for the evilness others have inflicted upon me.  I am more than what has happened to me.  It is not giving up to admit that I need something to help me gain some relief from incessant flashes, flashbacks and sensory overload.

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