standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

The Misery of Flashbacks

on December 29, 2012

Flashbacks have threatened to take over my life…and I am trying to remember that self-care is especially important…my pastor (G) and psychologist (J) are both reminding me to be kind to myself.  To remember that eating, attempting to sleep and focusing on being healthy as the flashbacks surface are most important…and anything else is ‘icing’ (when J uses food references, it always makes me smile…I don’t know if I’d ever recognize how many references there are like that in the world unless I battled Ed!!!).  These flashbacks are different than the ones with the rape…those were mostly auditory and visual…and these are so sensory…I can feel all of this…no flashbacks are good and no one seeks to have them.  I am trying to take comfort in the facts that I am not having to do this alone…that, as much as they hurt, they answer so many questions…and that, I am not blaming myself or looking for blame in them.  I found so many areas of should’ves and could’ves with the rape.   The fault wasn’t mine.  I understand that.  It didn’t stop me from seeking to find ways I brought it on myself or didn’t do enough to stop it.  There is no blame to be found in these…she–and I’ve started to call her “I” as my name is used in them…is little…and a 3-4 year old cannot be to blame for what was being done to her.  My heart breaks for her…and I am so, very raw.  I am taking the advice, insight and support from G and J and focusing on trying to cut myself some slack…on remembering to eat…on attempting to sleep…and keeping myself safe when flashing.  I can do this.

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2 responses to “The Misery of Flashbacks

  1. Praying for you…Hang in there. This will pass. Have you read the book “Waking the Tiger”? It’s a very good and helpful book. Love to you

  2. Thank you….I haven’t read it…I will look into it…today has brought so much…and hours of tremors…thank you for the prayers and love. XOXO!

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