A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Milestone Moments

on December 25, 2012

I was reading today that it is helpful to keep track of milestones in recovery.  I find myself in that ‘all or nothing’ mindset…irritated that I am not recovered, thinking I must be doing something wrong (this comes more as “You are f’in this up!”), allowing myself to go ‘just a little longer’ without eating….As I read about this idea of milestones, my first thought (or maybe Ed’s thought) was “You haven’t hit any milestones.”…and, in looking through some examples, I started to let myself see…and believe…that I do have milestone moments.

~I no longer have a scale in my house.  I trust my team to medically monitor my weight.  From the person who was weighing 30-40 times a day, this is a milestone.

~I flushed a brand-new bottle of laxatives a week ago.  This is the first time in many, many years that I have gone this long without them. (minus the time I was pregnant with each of my children–otherwise, I have been using them for 20+ years)

~I bought chips…and I ate some!

~I am beginning to let myself feel….to be happy or sad or excited or frustrated…I had lost emotion (except for fear/anxiety–which is a common loss with eating disorders)…and when it returned, I was terrified…feeling isn’t so scary now.  I know that sadness or tears will not last forever, that emotions can wash over me and will recede, that regaining emotion also means I have genuine laughter, giggles and smiles.

~I allow myself to ‘be’…without feeling guilty that I should be doing something.  The world has not fallen to pieces when I choose to sit instead of running like a madwoman.

~I allow myself to eat things that have fat.  I no longer have any fat-free items in my home.

~This may be the biggest one…as it has kept me on this recovery process…I am reaching out instead of isolating.  I can push past my shame of ‘messing up’ and contact my pastor, my psychologist, a friend…or blog…instead of pretending that “I’m okay.”

And, with that…I am going to go get something to eat.  Fasting the day away is not helping my mind, body or spirit.  I am hungry and I will eat.  I can do this.


5 responses to “Milestone Moments

  1. Good for you! Yes, you can recover. You’re already doing it. And we all know you’ll continue. These are such wonderful milestones. Merry Christmas.

    • Thank you….these flashbacks have had me questioning recovery…thank you for reminding me that I am doing this…

      • I know how frustrating it can be to have stuff resurface over and over again. But it’s really just part of the healing process. Your mind is engaged now and you’re not unconscious to the negative thoughts, so you’re able to challenge the lies that hide in an eating disorder. You’re simply replacing the lies with the truth of how loved and valuable you really are…You’re doing great.

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