standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Sharing This Journey…The Next Phase

on December 23, 2012

I chose to share this journey…because I had felt that maybe this process could be helpful to others.  Yet, at some points, I have had to ‘hold onto’ pieces as they surfaced, because of the shame that also accompanies pieces.  In my desire to be authentic, I feel that I need to share the core of the most recent flashbacks.  I will share more details when sharing them won’t be so triggering.  This post is coming on the tails of a steady stream of flashbacks…which began as little blips or flashes this past week…and then came flooding in my consciousness on Wednesday afternoon.  It is the “thing” I pushed against and didn’t want to be true…I kept telling myself that it wasn’t true…that I just wanted attention….that I was just making things up…I pushed and pushed and it kept slipping to the surface.  It was the click of my daughter’s carseat on Wednesday that provided the final key…and the memories could no longer be held at bay.  And, this next phase of trauma work and healing will be addressing more abuse…abuse that came in the form of incest…by my father…starting around the age of 3-4 years old.  It horrifies me and is causing me to pull on every healthy skill I’ve learned these last few months. I feared that uncovering this piece meant I could no longer heal.  That I really was damaged. That this life would just have me struggling to survive…with too many victim labels I never wanted….that living freely was no longer something meant for me.  I am not sure I would’ve ever been in a place to accept this revelation….and yet, as raw and emotional I am right now, I look around me and see a support group like no other.  People who love me, support me…who see the value in me…who have faith in me…who assure me that this changes NOTHING…that this does not make me dirty or unworthy…they give me hope…even when I began to lose my own hope these last few days.  You see…the old tricks that used to work, no longer work…hurting myself by burning or fasting or purging or any other variety of ways doesn’t work anymore…the knowledge I was burying all of these years is now here.  I don’t need to hurt myself any longer to keep this horrible news  hidden–even from myself.  I know. My support people know.  I believe that little girl who had information to share.  My heart breaks for her….for me…this happened.  This happened to me.  And it is not my fault.  And, I will heal.  I will recover.  I have a wonderful life to live freely.

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2 responses to “Sharing This Journey…The Next Phase

  1. Cassandra says:

    Beautiful…

    • Thank you…it came as such a surprise…but not…allowing the knowledge to finally surface, has given such clarity to all of these other pieces…it has helped me understand me…as painful as it was and as horrified as I was to relive it in flashbacks (3-4weeks of solid flashes, flashbacks and nightmares), I can look now and see how hard I’ve fought and how hard I have come. It was uncovering this piece that allowed me to move forward with healing.

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