standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Slip Sliding Away…..

on December 18, 2012

A slew of triggers….Christmas gifts sent by my mom, a raised voice from my ex, the tragic deaths of 26 innocent people…as the tears came, so did my neediness.  And, with my neediness, came the “Don’t be too needy…being needy scares people away….don’t be a bother….people have their own problems….don’t bother them with yours….”…and I began to listen….and it allowed Ed to gain his foothold.  Because, I’ve been isolating from friends (thinking–I should be recovered by now, they probably expect me to be recovered, they supported me when I was really sick, they probably are tired of my struggles now and don’t want to be involved with me) and, as the fear of pushing my pastor and psychologist away grew stronger, isolating from them made more and more sense.  I trust them…and I need them…and it terrifies me that they will look at me and say “You are just too much for us.”  And, since I know I need their help, support, insight…this terrifies me.  I am not used to needing people.  When I need people, I seem to get hurt…or abandoned.  And so, I decided that isolating from them was a good idea.  Because, using Ed only hurts me…it doesn’t hurt other people…using Ed keeps me in my own cocoon and it doesn’t require the time or energy of other people.  Yes, I realize that using Ed will kill me.  I started not to care.  Not as a ‘death wish’, but because I felt I could handle it enough not to let it get to that point.  I was always a really good pretender–I could pretend I was recovered.  I could pretend I didn’t need any more appointments or meetings.  I would be harming myself…I wouldn’t be pulling other people into my muddled sense of self.  I could fast….I could restrict…I could get right back on track.  It would be fine.

Even as I type that, I know it’s not true.  I know that I would get sicker. I know I don’t know that point when “enough” occurs. I know my body cannot take more fasting.  But, I wasn’t thinking of that this weekend.  I was only scared of pushing people away with my neediness.  I wouldn’t email, I wouldn’t call…I had the excuses already planned for how to cancel this week’s appointments.

And, at 6pm on Sunday evening, I got an email from J…that simply said: “Dinner?”.  My promise that my word is impeccable holds stronger than what Ed is telling me…and I responded “no”.  And that began an email exchange where I started to believe that J is the one who gets to determine if I am “too much”–and he says I am not.  And as we worked through various pieces, I chose to eat.  But, he is paid to support me….my pastor is not…and I contemplated cancelling my meeting with him.  I decided not to…but I hadn’t eaten in 6 hours (past what I am allowed–3-4hours is max)…and, in texts with IOPeeps, made a stop at the store to pick up supplements.  In tears and shaking, I worked through ‘lunch’…apologizing for my neediness, saying I understood if he wanted to be done with me…sharing that I expected to be told that I was just too much and needed to find a new church….and, with what looked like tears in his eyes, he thanked me for being honest about this piece–a piece that has been part of me since the very first time I met with him 1.5 years ago but that I have never been upfront about–and told me that he expects the phone calls and emails…that I am not a bother…that he will support me in the short and long haul….that he will not abandon me.  Points that have me tearing up now….it’s that powerful.  He also mentioned that I may be the only one who expected to be recovered at this point….that everyone else who knows and loves me knew it would take time….

I slept last night…and awoke with a new sense of determination.

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