standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Dear ED,

on December 4, 2012

Dear ED,

You may have been my friend for a very long time, but, I am learning you were never looking out for me.  You were only looking out for yourself.  I always felt you were such a support and helped me to see the truth.  My real friends are very truthful…and their honesty is seriously contradicting what you have been telling me.  They tell me I am not fat or ugly or disgusting.  They tell me I am beautiful.  They tell me I am not a disgrace or unworthy of all life has to offer.  They tell me I am worthy of God’s grace and love and all this life has available.  They tell me I don’t have to hide in shame and isolate because of the mistakes I make.  They tell me they will love and support me, even when–especially when–I am hurting and feel I am making mistakes.  They tell me that the number on a scale does not dictate my worth.  They tell me my value is found within.  They tell me my meal plan will not make me ‘fat’….it will keep my nourished and make me healthy.  They tell me that my neediness will not cause them to abandon me. They say it is okay to need other people.  They tell me emotion will not kill me.  They tell me it will come and may feel like it is overpowering me, but it will not take me under.  They tell me that loving myself and being proud of myself is not selfish or self-serving.  They remind me that it is self-care.  They tell me I do, indeed, have an eating disorder and that getting treatment is not a ploy for attention.

 

All of what you have been telling me…for 24 years…are lies.  None of it is true.   And this is hurtful, moreso, because I thought you were a friend.  In talking to my IOP friends, you have been telling them the same lies.  I was angry for them when hearing the horrible things you told them.  I still felt that you knew me better than I knew myself and I continued to listen.  You weren’t quite a loud as you once were, but when I was having a rough day and was in the steady stream of flashbacks, you took your chance.  You came back louder than ever.  It was hard to hear my own voice.  I needed to rely on the voices of those people closest to me.  Those who are proving to me, again and again, that I can trust their words and actions.  Your “friendship” doesn’t mean anything anymore. You lie.  You are hurtful.  You are sneaky. You are looking out for yourself and don’t care how much you continually hurt me.  I no longer want any contact with you.  Consider this to be the last time I will have any coversation with you.  The relationship between the two of us is over.

KJ

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8 responses to “Dear ED,

  1. hiddinsight says:

    Doing the happy dance for breakthrough!!

    • Thank you…I hadn’t been ready until now…and coming on the tails of slipping (or relapsing) and then feeling so good–the sadness really hurt with the scale today…and as my mind reeled to purge and restrict and fast and run, run, run…I started to get angry…finally…I’ve started to get angry.

      • hiddinsight says:

        I totally understand. It’s such a process. It’s like a constant reminding yourself of who “owns you” and where your life comes from. Anger can be sooo productive for breakthrough…I’ve used it many times. But it’s just a tool. It doesn’t control you either.

  2. melluann says:

    I agree- 30 second dance party for overcoming ED~ it’s about time we kick him to the curb. 🙂

  3. coltgordon says:

    Good work, thank you. I’m newly blogging about my ed. please support

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