standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Peace

on November 30, 2012

I’ve been able to breathe the last couple of days…for more than a moment…I’ve strung together moments…and it feels amazing.

 

I don’t know if this is how trauma work goes…as it’s been a solid two months of flashbacks, flashes…and tears.  There were good moments in there…healing moments…time to feel the sunlight…but it was the trauma that darkened my days and haunted my nights.  It has been a week since I had a flashback…there have been triggers that brought about memories or flashes…but after the immediate tears and shallow breathing, I was able to regain my footing.  I have said that I wish I could just identify all the triggers–because then they wouldn’t surprise me and wouldn’t overwhelm me.  That’s not for PTSD works, however.  And, maybe that’s a good thing.  Because, I certainly would’ve set out to uncover EVERYTHING and face it head on…and there would’ve been no way I could’ve handled all of it at once.  There were times I questioned whether I could handle it in the last few months.  My brain had to let it bubble and surface in its own time.  It wasn’t a process I could rush.  And, what I have found, is that my ability to deal with such horrible memories–whether I knew they were remembered by my brain or not–has gotten stronger and stronger.  I am not turning inward and hurting myself.  I am not isolating from friends or people that could help me.  I am not hating myself for not being “okay”…and for not knowing why.

 

I am healing.  I want to remember this sense of peace and remember that it does get better…even when those waves of emotion and doubt and pain are crashing overhead and I feel there is no way to get my head above water.  I feel I am coming into the light.  I may not know what it’s like to live freely…but, look at me!  I’m doing it!!!

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