standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Humor in Recovery

on November 28, 2012

There is humor in brain surgery…and divorce…and battling a neurological disorder.  I was laughing my way through things that absolutely, 100% are not supposed to be funny…alas–laughter truly is good for the soul.  My closest friends celebrated when they noticed I was regaining my snarkiness and inappropriate sense of humor.  It’s not surprising that eating disorder recovery should have laughs.  Trauma work doesn’t have many.  There are lots of tears and flashbacks.  Not too many laughs.  IOP had lots of laughs…and many inside jokes….made by people who lived, breathed and felt just. like. me.  That was a first.

 

Today’s humorous moment came on the tails of a visit to the center for a session.  I requested to be weighed as, given my body dysmorphia, I was convinced I’d gained a serious amount of weight….in the last 3 days.  Knowing that I am following meal plan (although, slightly under as I get back on track 100%) and that my clothes appear to fit the same, did nothing to convince my eyes that I hadn’t gained a ton.  I figured I could trust the scale to set me straight.  I don’t talk numbers here as to not trigger anyone.  Let me say…I took our kitten to the vet today for her 6month check up.  The kitten has gained more weight than I have…the kitten gained more weight in 2 months than I did in 4months…and that brought a ton of laughter.  Because, I am fairly certain that she is not concerned about what she looks like…she is quite adorable and healthy.  Maybe I am, too….healthy, I mean!!!

 

Adding this as I just sent this reply to J (my psychologist)…

And, I am smiling something fierce.  The kitten weight thing really has made me laugh…and it’s put things into perspective…and when I looked in the mirror, I saw healthy hair…and a smile…and didn’t focus on the imperfections. Now, my hair also looks a totally different color…not sure what part of the brain is involved there…I am realizing, these last few days, that my perception is off…maybe it’s the vision changes…maybe it’s brain…maybe it’s ED trying to exert more control because he’s losing…I am winning…I am going to beat this.  Not just to prove I can…which was my initial goal.  I was going to do it.  I could do ED well, I was going to rock recovery.  Just because I could.  What I have begun to understand…and to actually believe…is that I am worth it…I deserve to be strong and healthy…it’s not selfish to want it…I am not continuing to work at recovery just to prove I can…I am continuing because I deserve to recover…and I am willing to work hard to do it.

 

This, my friends, is recovery…the ups, the downs, the twists and turns….it is not linear, although the path is leading in the direction of progress.  It hurts like hell…and then there are moments that completely overwhelm me with their amazing normalcy.  I am feeling again.  With tears comes laughter…with pain comes smiles…feeling shame and hurt also means feeling love and affection and compassion…and love…and more love…

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