standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Bruises Hurt

on November 24, 2012

As I went through IOP and regained emotions and tears and genuine laughter, I had an epiphany (I had many of them, but I was thinking of this one today).  Bruises hurt.

 

After a particularly difficult day at IOP, I started to get angry…angry at my ex, angry at my parents, angry at my rapist.  I had no idea what to do with that anger.  I was not used to feeling anything, and anger surprised me.  I was so keyed up.  I thought about going for a run, but that wasn’t in my movement plan….I thought about skipping meals, but that had already become something that wise mind told me not to do…So….I tore down a wall in my kitchen!!!  I took down the cabinets and then I took a hammer to the wall…yelling profanities as I swung the hammer! I was barefoot and without protective eye wear…and I tore down that f’in wall!   It felt awesome!!!

 

The next couple days, some bruises began to appear…and I was surprised…they hurt.  I asked my psychologist if bruises were supposed to hurt.  He told me that, indeed, they do. (He probably said “Certainly” or “Of course”…two of J’s catch phrases!).  It surprised me.  I pushed on them at different points…and they hurt.  I had no idea what to do with this newfound knowledge…bruises hurt.

 

My thinking began to shift…was I that numb that I didn’t even feel bruises?  Possibly.  I think the other part of that answer lies in the fact that I was  entirely, utterly bruised that it stopped mattering.  I was covered from head-to-toe for months and months and months.  Some were from my balance being off (with Chiari, my brain stem was compressed which really affects balance), some from being grabbed and pushed…and then falls.  I was bruised.  And there were so many of them, I stopped feeling them.

 

But it wasn’t just the physical bruises…I can understand now that my spirit was bruised…my mind was bruised…All of me was bruised….and bruises hurt.

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