A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

What Not To Say

on November 21, 2012

We’ve all been on the receiving end of a “What not to say” moment…it seems that the more ‘shit’ we have battled or are battling, the more those comments sting.  In my head, I am always aware that everyone is battling something.  I try to be aware of what I say as to not hurt or offend.  I was on the receiving end of a comment today that wasn’t just hurtful…it was triggering.  The comment came from a high-school acquaintance who has been wanting to go out with me.  I’d started talking with him after my ex moved out and was talking to him and the person who would become my rapist.  His comment today was “In hindsight, kinda makes you wish you would’ve gone for me back then”…I was surprised…then angry…then questioning of both my anger and if there was more areas of blame I hadn’t considered.  There are so many should’ves…and I have worked through them…I tried and tried and tried to find blame for myself….In trauma work, I now know that I was so set on finding it and taking it…because then, what happened couldn’t be rape…then it wouldn’t mean I was raped…if I could make it my fault, then control wasn’t taken from me…if my no’s were not loud enough, if I didn’t try hard enough to escape, if, if, if, if,if…..


So, hindsight gave me all sorts of perspective…hindsight allowed me to work through two hours of hell to pick apart, with new lenses, all I did or should’ve done or could’ve done…hindsight allowed me to go through thousands of messages looking for places that I had flirted too much…hindsight allowed me time to work through every detail I remembered leading up to that 2 hours…but, hindsight didn’t change what happened on Friday the 13th.  And, in order to heal, I needed to start looking with “kindsight”…It happened.  It wasn’t my fault.  I did what I could–in that time and place–to survive.  Maybe I made mistakes.  Those mistakes did not cause me to be raped.  Those mistakes did not cause God to want to punish me by ‘allowing’ the rape to occur.  There is nothing inherently wrong with me that caused this to happen.  I was violated.  My control was taken from me.  My no did not count.  It should not have happened.  But that is not because I created the situation.  Someone who told me he was “safe” and “would never take advantage” decided to create the situation.  He bears the responsibility for what he chose to do that night…over my ‘no’s and stop’s and enough’s’…he bears the responsibility for telling me “You must’ve said no a million times…but I know that isn’t what you meant.”


So, sure…vast understatement in saying I wish I hadn’t decided to go out with this guy…but telling me “In hindsight, kinda makes you wish you would’ve gone for me back then”…doesn’t begin to be helpful…it serves to cause me to dash headfirst into the should’ves….and really–that comment makes me glad I didn’t go out with you then…and it’s making me not want to go out with you now.  To say that, knowing what happened.  It is hurtful.  And, I think it makes me angry.  I am relearning emotion…Is anger an appropriate one to feel for this?


5 responses to “What Not To Say

  1. hiddinsight says:

    Yes !!!!!! A thousand times YES!!!

    • Thank you!!! I had emailed my psych and pastor to ask if I was feeling the ‘right’ emotion….and in the messages that followed last night, it got me more and more worked up. Thank you for helping me to understand that feeling hurt, irritated, upset is an okay response to that comment.

      • hiddinsight says:

        Sometimes when I’m processing my emotions, I have to first give myself permission to feel whatever it is I feel, with or without it sounding proper or sane. I did this once, and it started out sounding really nasty, but underneath it all, was hurt and brokenness. My point? No one can tell you what you “should” be feeling except for you. If you listen to your emotions, you will learn a lot about yourself and you will be able to get to the core of what is going on a lot faster than looking for validation first. You know yourself best, and if you don’t know yourself best…a little blogging will get you a long way.

      • YES, YES. YES!!! For me, it is that “not judging your thinking” or “Not judging your judging”…Being non-judgmental with myself and allowing myself to feel…is huge…I could never do that…not without repercussions…and with the fasting and restricting, I’d lost all emotion. I am relearning what it feels like.rt of living. ❤

      • hiddinsight says:

        Learning to live is like that 🙂

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