standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

My Release from Prison….

on November 20, 2012

When people are released from prison, they go through a transition to get back into the ‘real world’…this was brought to my attention last night as I talked with my pastor.  As I have sought to ‘rejoin’ aspects of my life, I realize I have never done them without ED….which adds anxiety and fear and a “I don’t know how to do this!!!!”.   It allows ED to sneak back in and offer comfort and “I can help you do this!”.  It always worked before.  That’s one of the horrible things about ED….it works…it works to dull the feelings, it works to put abuse aside, it works.  Except…it doesn’t.  Twenty-four years it ‘worked’…except it ravaged my body…it ravaged my mind…it ravaged my spirit.  It hurt me…when the people closest to me were hurting me, too.  It was what I knew.  It was what I expected.  I wore that comfy coat with a smile on my face…with my head held high…with “I’m fine” playing on my lips.  I did it all.  I worked full-time as an elementary-school teacher, I parented in the best possible ways, I supported my husband, I reached out to my family, I supported my friends, I organized all aspects of everything–to be perfect.  I swore I was happy.  What I have learned is that there is more to living than surviving….there is more to living than doing everything and anything for everyone else.  What I missed for all of those years, is that I matter.  And now that I understand that I matter…I don’t know what it means to truly live.  Maybe this is why this part of the journey is difficult.  I have found my spirit…I am healing my mind and body…and for the first time, ever…I am safe.  I can live.  I can learn what that actually means.

 

I’ve been released from prison and the world looks much different than I remember.  I have hope that it is much grander and more beautiful than I ever knew.  All of these experiences have gotten me to this place.  I may not know what happens next.  I am okay with that right now.  I have hope that this beautiful life is waiting.

 

My prayer for this last year has been….Thank you for who I was, for who I am and for who I am designed to be.  I have faith I will be led in the right direction.  XOXO!

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3 responses to “My Release from Prison….

  1. melluann says:

    Wow. This is a truly amazing post. It truly touched my heart. Thank you for writing this. 🙂
    God bless and Happy thanksgiving!

  2. melluann says:

    Reblogged this on Beloved and commented:
    This is an AMAZING blog I ran across today and I had to repost. It truly touches my heart.

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