standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

A Three-Shower Day

on November 19, 2012

It was a three-shower day.  This, I have come to realize, is not a good thing.  As much as I reminded myself to middle drawer it, perfectionism crept in.  And, as it did, ED’s voice became louder–You’re such an idiot to have positive affirmations around your mirror!  Seriously?  You are proud for eating breakfast to plan?  Big deal!  You look so old in those pictures.  Your stomach is getting fat.  You are so needy.  The old you never needed people.  You think are deserving of happiness?  What?  You think you are  better than everyone else?  You deserve nothing.  I bet you can’t even skip for a few hours anymore.  See….delaying for a few hours makes you more alert!  Look how much more engaged you are.  You even feel more relaxed.  This is so much more comfortable.

 

I delayed lunch and it was short.  Snack was vegetables and a corner of a pita.  And then I went with the next step….already slipping, might as well barrel headfirst into a relapse.  I haven’t had a relapse these last 16 weeks.  Maybe today was the day, not to give in, but maybe just not try so hard at recovery.

 

But, although the ED thoughts, voice and behaviors were all right there…and so much louder than my voice…the parts of my genuine me are still there.  And I emailed my psychologist…and I called my pastor.  My psychologist began to help me battle ED–but ED fought back…and I delayed and delayed…crawled into bed…figured I could feign “I just fell asleep”, therefore missing dinner and then snack.  ED was so loud…I couldn’t hear my voice…and I began to think of J’s voice (my psych)…J’s voice knew what to do…In asking “What shows more strength–to give in and eat?  Or go longer?”, it was J’s voice–and maybe a little of me–saying “Recovery shows strength…and it’s not ‘giving in’…your body needs nutrition.”

 

I got up and went to make dinner to plan.  I ate dinner.  I kept it in.  I sobbed and sobbed.

 

I took another shower.   And, in my prayers and ability to find my center, the thought came “Now you know just how much you want this.”…And me–“But do I deserve it?”…The answer: “You do…it is here for you.”

 

 

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6 responses to “A Three-Shower Day

  1. Beautiful! I’m cheering you on! Every time you even recognize the negative ED thoughts you are in recovery. Just being aware is recovery. Wanting to be healthy is recovery. Pushing against your compulsions is recovery. You are IN recovery, my new friend. This is it. It’s not magical. It’s spiritual. You’re spirit is reaching for the health and goodness you deserve. When I finally saw how I’d been lied to, tricked, and was being ‘played’ by the enemy, I finally got mad. And getting mad is a big part of recovery. Have you allowed yourself the freedom to be angry yet?

    Big, big hugs to you.

    • Thank you so much for this…I am taking it to heart….it does mean I am in recovery….because otherwise, I wouldn’t care…and I care….I really, truly want to recover. I hadn’t thought of it how you described….thank you for responding!!!!!!! I haven’t gotten angry at ED…or what it’s taken from me…maybe that comes next.

  2. optimisticgladness says:

    I am so sorry that you had to endure this maltreatment! God will not waste your suffering. I really hope that you will be able to love who you are someday. You are valuable! This post makes me mad at ED for treating you this way. I want to see you succeed! I pray that people will come into your life that will lift you up, not tear you down. Encourge you and cheer you on. Do you have a good support system?

    • Thank you for your kind words and encouragement! I have a wonderful pastor, an incredible psychologist and a great group of friends…now that I am learning to trust and to be authentic, I can reach out and accept their support and help. God has put them into my life to help me heal. Thank you so much for commenting!

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