standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Middle Drawer

on November 18, 2012

I imagine the seven-drawer dresser….the top drawer is for perfection and 100% FABULOUS…and the bottom drawer is for when it all goes to shit (thinking “Alexander and the Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day!”).  I have tried to focus on that middle drawer…the one where it’s okay to be okay…where there is some good and some bad.  Learning to understand (and live) in a world that is not “all or nothing” is a challenge.  I’ve lived in the all or nothing world for as long as I can remember.

 

Today, I am reminding myself to “middle drawer” it…because, after being triggered by a speaker-phone call from my mom to my children (the digs were apparent), I began slipping….and I wasn’t on firm footing following the flashbacks from last weekend and early in the week.  So, a skipped a snack…and missed a carb at breakfast…and then thought “Shit–since you’re already short, you might as well skip lunch”…it was around this time that I realized I was triggered…and in a “F’ it” moment, I prepped lunch and ate to plan.  I no longer want my mom to ‘win’.

 

But, I delayed snack….and was a little short…and was short a protein at dinner….and met snack to plan.

 

It was this morning that I began to see that my thinking has slipped into top or bottom drawer…a couple slips meant I had totally messed up recovery.  It meant I either had to start over OR go back to the comfy ED coat (which is a bit scratchy and doesn’t feel so comfy anymore).  All or nothing.

 

And so–I am reminding myself of the middle drawer….I had some slips…for ‘top drawer’ thinking, this is unacceptable.  If I ‘middle drawer’ it, I can do the next right thing.  I can keep fighting.  I can think of it as a step back–and make the next right step.  Not because it’s easy…but because I deserve to be healthy…and because I can do this.

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5 responses to “Middle Drawer

  1. hiddinsight says:

    Yes you can do this. As a fellow all-or-nothing human being, your success is my success. We are all one choice away from getting back on track.

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