A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

“She really wanted to know”

on November 17, 2012

I’ve said that there is fodder in divorce…even one that comes at the end of an abusive marriage. This was proven to me with that above line…told to me by my ex when I questioned him over the fact that he’d been in contact with the ‘other woman’.  Last January, after first telling me that he had not had ANY contact with her, I opened the computer to show the log of hundreds of text messages and phone calls–it was the first time in my life that I actually can say that I saw the color drain from someone’s face–he shifted his story to say that he’d forgotten he’d been in contact with her.  When I said “You were in contact with her while I was in the hospital”….he said (wait for it…..) “Well…she really wanted to know how you were doing.”  That was the point that I took off my ring, calmly and at peace.  It was that point where I realized I no longer would be lied to.  It was the point where I began to realize I really had done everything to save the marriage and to be a good wife.  It was also the point that I thought “She sounds LOVELY!”…because, really…when your wife is in ICU following her second brain surgery in nine months, who doesn’t want their girlfriend checking in.  How sweet of her to want to know how I was doing!! 😉




11 responses to ““She really wanted to know”

  1. hiddinsight says:

    The only thing that goes through my mind is profanity. I can’t believe your tact! Planning to read more…

    • When I relayed this story to a friend right after it happened, she said “I would’ve thrown the ring at him!!!!!”…I had really moderated any of my feelings at that point…and really…I was relieved…I’d felt the marriage was over, I knew it was unhealthy…I knew there wasn’t anything for me being me…That comment gave me the strength to say “ENOUGH!”…and I got ahold of the lawyer the next day!!!

      • hiddinsight says:

        I am so glad you were able to stand up for yourself in this way rather than hoping and holding on and going through more years of pain. Good for you.

        My situation is different in that, I was misled into thinking I fell in love with someone else, and then I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea how I could have done that. It seemed to confirm how far I had strayed from my morals and I took it really personally (I’m a bad person, I’m evil). The only answer I could come up with was to get resolution on my marriage before we divorced.

        What I discovered was that I love my husband. He is the perfect match for me in so many different ways. What happened to me could happen to anyone…the only way I know it was because I was leading worship one week and a few weeks later I was in a terrible MESS with no way to explain my actions. I thought I was praying for him and trying to help him out, when instead I was actually stepping into his life in a role that only God should have had.

        Ick. What a mess this sort of thing makes. I am SO SORRY you had to go through it. I pray you have opportunity to share your strength with others.

      • Thank you for sharing ❤ If there is anything I have learned, it's that, people don't have affairs unless something is missing. Happily married people don't have affairs. Regardless of whether the fault lies with one person or the other (and, it's not a 'fault'…people need different things and aspects in relationships), it doesn't happen with strong marriages. There were solid cracks in our foundation…and my illness made those more apparent. It wasn't the affair that caused our marriage to fail. It gave me a good "final straw", but I had already forgiven the affair 9months before. It was being married in name only…it was being pushed around and ridiculed…it was doing all the parenting and all the housework and everything to keep the 'marriage' alive…it was losing more and more and more of me–to keep up with what he wanted and needed–all the time. And I thought that is what 'good wives' do…I submitted. It took my pastor telling me "What you have is not a marriage" (after he spent many times in the hospital with me…my ex had other things to do)–I had no idea marriage was supposed to be anything more. I am learning that I do matter. I didn't matter in the marriage.

      • hiddinsight says:

        It’s so true about the “it’s what good wives do” part. I was in a constant state of heavy guilt for many years on and off (one could say “depression”) because I was never able to keep up. The greatest healing came to me when I realized that I was putting the guilt on myself when it wasn’t necessary. After that point, I booted my depression out of the door; however, it seems as though I also booted myconscience out of the door as well, because I kept waiting for guilt to kick in when I fell in love with someone else. Apparently that can be normal though, because your brain just sort of rationalizes it (“it feels so good, it must not be bad).

        I can only imagine how much you have grown mentally, emotionally, physically since your marriage is over (how long has it been?) I really empathize, because sometimes you just think it’s NORMAL and you don’t realize that it’s not. I guess that’s one reason I love blogging now…I’ve learned so much about my thought processes because others will comment when I’m getting off track.

        You do matter. A LOT. So what do you do now?

      • That’s a good question…what do I do now? I first read it as a job/profession kind of question…and then as a ‘what happens next?”…I don’t know how you meant it…and really–I don’t know if I can fully answer either way I took it!!! In terms of a profession, I am on medical leave from teaching…and I don’t know if energy/fatigue-wise that I can return to the classroom and do it well. I don’t know what the future will hold for “What do I want to be when I grow up?”…I am home with my children right now and love it 🙂 It’s giving me time to heal. In a “what happens next”, I am working on learning how to live…learning what I like…learning what I think and feel…and being content with not knowing what might come next 🙂

      • hiddinsight says:

        Hmmm…I’m not sure exactly how I meant it 😉 It is definitely a privilege to be able to stay home with your kids while they are young (I’m doing that myself).

        I would also just encourage you in your journey to figure out what you like and who you are. I’m working on it too…definitely not totally there, but maybe I’ll still be figuring myself out for years, I don’t know.

  2. I know that feeling…’s finally like, “now no one on earth can say I don’t have the right to get out of this…no more wondering if I am really seeing things for what they are…PROOF hitting me in the face. It took a load off. We divorced in 1987 and to this day, he is still telling his lies…but not to me. :o)

    • Yup!!!! I don’t have to believe them anymore!!!! I referred to it as my “burning bush” moment…It could no longer be ‘pretended’ away…I was taking the bruises and the berating…and blaming myself for not being…enough. That comment, in all its ludicrousness, allowed me to gain clarity…and for the first time, I could say “No More.” We get to be ourselves!!!!!!! (You and me….I don’t know if he is being himself or not…I truly don’t care ;))

  3. Your story will inspire many people. So happy you had the courage to stand up and free yourself from such an awful situation. Good for you!

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