A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

The Last Five Bites

on November 16, 2012

I’ve been told that 99% of the eating disorder is in that last bite.  I know that what I “plate” meets my meal plan…and I eat each and every bite.  Remembering that ED lives in that last bite (which, arguably–or agreeably!–is the hardest one), gets me to eat that difficult last bite.

Flashbacks have left me nauseous and gagging (not intentionally) this last week +.  I was slowly working my way through breakfast this morning and had five bites to go.   I remember thinking “Five bites…you can do this!”…I do not remember eating those 5 bites…and the dog is looking somewhat guilty.  Maybe a non-ED person would think “I’m still hungry…I’ll grab another piece of toast.” or “Ha!  I bet the dog ate my breakfast!”.  This ED-mind reels…Did you eat it? Did the dog eat it?  If you make a piece of toast and then eat 5 bites of it, will you meet meal plan?  If you did eat those 5 bites, how much over will 5 additional bites put you?  I want to meet meal plan ‘spot on’…I also don’t go over.

And so…I sit and try to figure out the best possible scenario..and I am wondering what is the best choice…trying to ‘middle drawer’ this one and figure out if it’s better to be over or under–and am guessing as to whether I will be ‘spot on’.


5 responses to “The Last Five Bites

  1. I am realizing…I have used the “The dog ate my meal plan” excuse…I am a teacher…this is unacceptable!!!! 😉

  2. Oh, I totally get it. I’m sorry it’s a struggle – you won’t always feel this way. It’s so good that you know how to talk back to the ED thoughts. Reasoning is so crucial. I battled a terrible eating disorder for more than 20 years. I understand the struggle. I also understand healing and I am praying for a complete healing of your mind, body, and spirit. I pray you come into the space of knowing how loved and precious you are.

    • ❤ Thank you!!!!!!! I've battled for 24 years…since I was 11, So many traits are engrained…I'm am trying to unlearn them. It still surprises me how close to the surface they are. Your words mean so much!!!! You are giving me hope!

      • Our brain is so powerful. That’s why habits are hard to break. I love Dr. Phil’s comment about habits. He said that habits aren’t broken, they’re replaced. I totally agree with that. I was sucked so deeply in my eating disorder there’s no way I’d be alive had I not been miraculously healed. I truly would not be here. I tried and tried and tried to stop my eating disorder (I know you know what I mean when I type that), but I just couldn’t do it.

        Once I let everything come up to the surface (that was VERY scary), that’s when the healing began. I’d been pushing it all down my entire life, all the trauma, all the bad feelings, everything. I was abusing my body because my spirit was so badly wounded. I needed a spiritual healing.

        I pray your spirit is renewed and that you find the freedom and peace you SO deserve. You are loved with the fiercest, most powerful Love there is. I pray it consumes you.

        Never give up hope. And never give up on yourself. You’re life is about to change…

  3. ❤ That speaks right to my spirit….thank you….in tears reading your response.

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