standingonmyowntwofeet

A Journey from Victim to Survivor…to Living Freely

Finding Me

on November 15, 2012

I’d been working on reclaiming me…and there was much to reclaim.  What I have come to realize in the last couple of days, is that…I am no longer reclaiming me…I am learning about me.  In order to discover the genuine and authentic me, I needed to live freely.  The “me” I was reclaiming was still the one where berating and physical assault felt natural…it’s what I always knew.  This next stage in healing is occurring with a healthy body and a healthy mind…and I am safe.  I can figure out what I like…I can make decisions without worrying about the fallout…I can believe I am loved and deserving of kindness–without thinking that makes me selfish.  I can stop believing the lies I was told and that were reinforced year after year after year.  I am truly in awe of this.  There is nothing inherently wrong with me that makes me deserving of horrible things.  Other people made bad choices.  I didn’t deserve their abuse.  Maybe I needed to ‘feel’ that abuse…and I hadn’t…not fully…the sensory flashbacks of the last couple days have made me realize just how horrible the rape was…and the nightmare last night of being beaten by my ex, made me remember just how much bruises do hurt.  And there was nothing wrong with me that made me deserve their hatred.  I took it.  I took the blame.  It was never mine to take.  I love myself enough now to start to believe it.

 

I am forever grateful to my pastor for seeing it in me all along…for reminding me over and over–with kindness in his eyes and voice…for having faith in me when I didn’t have it in myself…for having hope when I had no idea what to hope for…and for being the first person in my life to help me understand that life is about more than merely surviving.

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